This Game's Story Doesn't Matter, But I'll Tell It Anyway

The opening scene comes: Link is floating in some weird energy thing and the Triforce gives some crytic message, which we should have expected. It is, after all, a Zelda game, and old men or owls with a penchant for being long-winded and boring, as well as super-annoying when you accidentally ask them to repeat themselves a few times, like I did, are just part of the territory. Anyhoo, the Triforce plops you down in an area where you fall unconscious, and you are found by a girl in red. She moves you precisely one screen away, where you wake up alone and with a killer headache. Move over one screen to the right. Talk to all the people here except the girl on the stump, then talk to her. She'll dance with you you for a bit, then say some stuff that isn't important. As you may have guessed, the story isn't all that important in this game, particuarly if not in a linked game. Then, we have the big evil guy, General Onox, sweep down with a tornado, monologue a bit, and just cause havoc overall. You get thrown away, which will make your headache even worse. Din gets swept away, and we get treated to even more bad-guy monologuing. Long story short, Din gets sealed in a Zelda cliche, and the seasons get thrown out of whack. When you wake up, Impa talks your ear off, then sends you off to do your hero thing.

Actual Gameplay Starts Now

Go south into Horon Village. Now, this place is unique out of all the places in the game in that the season that it is is randomly selected, and changes every time you return to the village from somewhere else. However, none of them have the slightest bearing on what you should do right now. Move two screens to the right and enter the big house that you see. Talk to the man in the room. He'll tell you how he loves Gasha Seeds so much he seems to want to marry one, then gives you one. Leave, then plant it right outside his house. Come back in a while to get something sweet, probably a Ring. I won't tell you which times to plant, pick the nut, etc. That's your responsibility.

Move down two screens and enter the Ring Shop. Vasu will say all sorts of stuff that you don't need to hear if you're reading this, then gives you a worthless Ring that he appraises for free (Thanks for breakin' the bank for me there, Vasu...) and a L-1 Ring Box. Go back to Vasu whenever you have a Ring that needs appraising. You'll either net 10 Rupees or a new Ring in your List for each one you bring him. Leave this place.

Left two screens and down one, you can start the Bipin and Blossom sidequest, which is basically useless, but if you REALLY want to see their child grow up to be something, give the little guy a name. And do not use the same mentality when naming this guy that most people do when naming their rival in Pokemon. Seriously, it's been done to death.

Once you're done with everything, go to the top left of the town and exit.

And Here Your Troubles Begin

Okay, the first thing that you should notice is that you have absolutely no protection from anything whatsoever. Fortunately, you aren't exactly facing against Lynels, so if you don't suck, you'll get through it okay. Jump off the little ledge to the next screen. Avoid the Octoroks around this area. Go around to the bottom of this screen somehow. I don't care which way you go, just do it. If you let the Octoroks play pinball with you during this time, go to the left and into the cave to find a Fairy Fountain, then go to the Hero's Cave.

Why Would Anybody NOT Put A Useful Sword Into A Monster-Infested Area?

Okay, just assume that anything in this place that moves hurts you and don't touch it, so I don't have to go into an in-depth description of the monsters in each room. They're all slow, so it shouldn't be too hard. Go right into the next room. Push the <sarcasm>ridiculously well disguised</sarcasm> block in any direction you want to open the top door, then go through. Okay, now this is the hardest thing you've had to face thus far: a block puzzle AND things that can hurt you i.e. pits. Oh noes. Push the block closest to you up or down, it doesn't matter. Now, there will be points in the Oracle games in which the floor is invisible. This is not one of those times, so don't think you can get away with cutting corners as you go to the next set of blocks. Push the one on the left down, and the one on the right, right. Then go through the door, pick up the small key in the room, move the blocks out of your way, then through the south door. Now, what do we do now? There's a door with a lock... Oh, wait, we have a Small Key! Use it by just walking into the door. In this room, just avoid everything, touch the circular switch, then go through the now-open north door to claim your prize: the Wooden Sword!

Bek's School of Swordplay

Okay, now you have the Sword. I'm going to teach you about how to use it. The Sword in this incarnation of Zelda has ridiculous reach, compared to Link's body, so use it. Also, note which 90-degree angle the sword makes when you're faced in certain directions. It will come in useful when you're fighting Darknuts and such later, or you're fighting enemies not directly in front of you, but at a diagonal. You should also note that you move at the same speed when you're holding out your sword as when you don't, which is very useful in some situations. This and the fact that it charges really fast make the Spin Attack extremely useful in this game, unlike other 2D Zelda titles. Now...

Get Your Head Out Of The Clouds, Boy!

You've got work to do! See the grass clump above you, blocking the ledge? Slash it after killing some Octoroks for Rupees if they drop them, then jump down the ledge to land by a treasure chest in the Hero's Cave. Open it to get 20 or 30 Rupees, I can't remember which. Go back to the town, then go to the shop. Buy yourself either a Wooden Shield or Bombs. I would suggest the Shield, because you're going to be getting the Bombs in a little bit anyway. The Wooden Shield is basically worthless in this game, as there are very few times that you'll want to use it instead of your sword, which blocks anything that the Wooden Shield can. But it could be useful at some point, and you look cooler when you're lugging it around at your side. If you decided to get the Bombs, there are two things you should do. First, go to Mayor Ruul's house, then find the cracked wall and bomb it. Go through to find a Gasha Seed. Bastard's been holding out on you... Next, go down to the southeast of the Ring Shop, appraising any Rings you may have gotten from anywhere, say, the Gasha Seed you planted earlier? This is the last time I will remind you about either one of those things. Inside this guy's house, there will be another cracked wall. Bomb it, too. Leave the town if it's not winter, and return to this place when it is winter, then go through the new hole, out of the house, across the (frozen) pond, and to the Rupees. Now, you've done everything you can at this point. Go northeast of the Ring Shop and stand outside the gate, then swing your sword to go see the big old talking tree.

Wake Up, Old Man-Plant!

Aaaaaand... he's asleep. Chop the bubble coming from I-don't-know-if-it's-his-nose-or-his-mouth-but-either-way-it's-disgusting to wake him up. He goes all Kaepora Gaebora on you, then gives you the Gnarled Key once you tell him that yes, you do understand that he's a boring old forgetful fogey.

Tune in next time for an exploration of something remarkably similar to Level 1 from the original TLoZ.

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