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Part 1: Shipwrecked
As you may have seen in the intro credits, Link has been caught in a terrible storm and has been shipwrecked on an island known as Koholint Island. He is found by tropical hottie Marin and you're given a fantastic (not really) 3D landscape presentation of the island and the Wind Fish's Egg and created your save file. It doesn't really matter what you name Link.. but if you name him after one of the Jonas Brothers, you will be dead within a fortnight.
Welcome to Koholint Island
Link comes to inside the house of Marin and her father Tarin (who does not resemble Mario AT ALL) and as a result of drunken revelry on the night of the "storm" mistakes Marin for Princess Zelda. Good stuff. Anyway, after some more senseless rambling, talk to Not-Mario who explains about knowing your name in a non-Deus Ex Machina style, for once. He found your name on the shield that he found alongside you on the beach. Yeah. After this, he gives the shield to you. You can now either choose to leave the house or cause Tarin's urge to kill to rise by checking out his chest. Yeah, you heard me.
Out on the Town & The Beach Party
Once out in the pastoral streets of Mabe Village, you can choose to B 'n E into several of the houses and bother the residents of the village, or do the smart thing and head west until you come upon a well. From this well, head south to an area known as South of the Village (you'll notice the many cliffs in the area). Use your shield to defend yourself against the Octoroks in the vicinity. Continue south to Toronbo Shores. Here, you'll find small gaps in the cliffside blocked by these Urchin-like things. Use your shield and hold down the button to push them out of your way. Eventually, you'll find the area where Marin found you; not only are there nice little remnants of Link's boat here, but also the very-awesome spectacular Sword. Once you pick it up, Link's paranoid schizophrenia will flare up and he'll dance to an imaginary tune and showcase his oldfound sword. After Link regains his mental stability, an Owl appears and tells you about a mythical creature known as the Wind Fish who has the power to help you escape from Koholint Village and return to Hyrule. To do this, you must gather eight Instruments of the Sirens. After this annoying geezer (who is apparently both Rauru and the Hero's Shade) leaves, head back to the village and the well area. Go north from the well to the entrance to the Woods of Mystery.
Yonder the Woods
Inside the woods, make sure you stay away from those annoying Moblins and Gels. Go northwest until you come upon a mine shaft-like entrance to a cave (it is not the one blocked by boulders). Once inside, destroy the Keese and crystal meth-like obstacles and get some Rupees from the treasure chest by pushing the stones around. Go north and one screen east (try to ignore the tempting Piece of Heart) and exit. Directly outside, you should see a Mushroom. Pick it. Go back inside the cave and once you exit on the other side, go north; past the other mine entrance blocked by boulders and then west. You should see a bunch of holes surrounding another tempting Piece of Heart. From here, go south, past the luxury swimming pool and enter the witch-like hut where Syrup resides. Give her the mushroom, and she'll make Magic Powder from it. Sprinkle some on the nearby torch, and it'll catch on fire! Too bad it only works on select targets, like that torch. Exit the witch hut and go back west until you reach the cave you entered earlier.
From here, go one screen west and one north, and you should come upon an oversized raccoon. Sprinkle some Magic Powder on the raccoon, causing it to spin around the area like a pinball with a tail. Lo and behold, it's Tarin who had been cursed by the forest! Which leads me to wonder... why haven't you been cursed and transformed into a raccoon? Bah. Anyway, go one screen north; here you'll find the Tail Key inside a Treasure Chest. The Owl dude will appear again and waste your time by telling you what is pretty obvious. The key leads to the Tail Cave, go figure. With the key now in hand, go south to Mabe Village and go the South of the Village area. Once here, go east and follow the trail. Eventually, you'll come 'pon the entrance to the Tail Cave dungeon. However, it's locked. What to do? Use the key perhaps? Do it, and the doors will unlock. Make sure you cancel all your appointments before entering the dungeon, as it requires a maximum of fifteen minutes to clear.
Kickin' some Tail
Directly upon entry, you'll smell it; the sickeningly sweet scent of the dead, permeating the very air, leaving its dark taint upon your lungs. That is, if your Game Boy (Colo[u]r) has an illegal smell generation device. You are now in the Tail Cave, a haven for those sinful. Go left and knock down those squid like thingies, and you'll get a key. I personally like the cute little sound that plays whenever you get one. The door to the left should open. Inside this room, kill the Gels and open the chest containing the Compass. Yeah, one of the most annoying things about the game is that long-ass text you have to read EVERY time you get one of those. Head two screens right, back to the entrance hall.
From here, go up to a room with another squid thing and some small gels. Kill everything you see here and step on the switch (oh yeah, I might assume the guise of Captain Obvious here for the moment, but you'll fall and hurt yourself if you go over the black hole-like things known as... holes) and you'll get another key. Go one screen to the right and show those Stalfos and Keese who's the boss (if you are defeated here, I will personally email you a recording of me laughing for two hours straight.) and a chest will appear containing a (yarr!) Map. That's all well and good, although personally, it resembles the Bill of Rights to me. Head to the funny-lookin' door to the north, which is sort of a one way door, similar to those from the Bond films. Open the door to the right with one of your keys, enter the newly-opened room and go one screen north, where you'll find enemies known as Three of a Kind. For future reference: in order to unlock whatever you need to unlock in a room filled with these guys, you must strike them with your sword so that the emblem in their "stomachs" are the same. To do this easily, you can easily hit two of them with a Spin Attack and then do some precise timing to nail the third one. It shouldn't be that hard if you don't have cerebral palsy. Once you've gotten them all right, spontaneous combustion kicks in, often leaving behind hearts in their wake. That's weird... why not spades, diamonds or clubs? A chest will appear, containing a Bird Beak (or Stone Slab for the colour-blind a.k.a. Game Boy gamers) these can be placed in Owl Statues or broken stone walls in order to give you a clue. You had a perfectly nonsensical Old Man in the past for this function, why change it now? Regardless head down and left to the room beyond the one-way door.
Go one screen left, and there's a treasure chest filled with another key for you. Head another screen left, dodge the enemy and go north, until you reach another door that requires a key. Open it and you'll enter a room with a lot of blocks and Whisps. Go one screen to the right, be sure to dodge the Whisp and go left (make sure you're above the partition at the bottom of the screen) here is a small puzzle for you. Long story short - push the leftmost block right, so it aligns with the others. Now, equip your Shield boyo, 'cause you're headed for trouble. These Spiked Beetles in the next room can be flipped over with your shield and subsequently damaged with your sword. But be quick, these guys are pretty fast. Damn genetic splicing. Once you kill these guys, enter the newly opened stairway. Proceed through the two-dimensional passageway and you'll come to a narrow passage. Continue north, and there'll be a chest containing the dungeon item, the Roc's Feather! Whoo! Leave it a a two-dimensional game to be the first (and almost only) game to include manual jumping. Anyway, equip this thing and jump 'till you drop. Jump over the knifey guys, pick up the flying heart item by jumping if you want to, and head back the room with a chest that contained a key and a Whisp. Head left, above the blocks to the left this time, and continue along this passage. Jump over the hole and unlock the block on the way with a key. Continue on, and you'll get the Nightmare Key (strange, always thought that was Miley Cyrus) and head back to the room south of the Three of a Kind room. Jump the holes and get ready for a mini-boss battle.
This guy ain't too hard. Just dodge the spiky wheel thing he sends at you by jumping and hack away at the guys. Good tip, always try getting in Spin Attacks rather than slashes. Just be sure to dodge and he'll be a goner. A warp point will appear, and this can take you back to the entrance hall of the dungeon. Go one screen north, dodge the knifey guys and unlock the northern door with the Nightmare's Key. Now, you'll be facing Moldorm. Hit the soft spot at its tail with your sword (preferably Spin Attacks) and dodge him when he gets all mad and fast-moving directly afterward. If you stay in the middle of the platform, you're less likely to fall down the holes, requiring you to redo the boss battle. Just keep hitting its tail and dodge it when it angers up, and Moldorm will be defeated. Pick up his still-beating Heart Container that appears and enter the newly opened egress; lo and behold, 'tis one of the Instruments of the Sirens, specifically, the Full Moon Cello. Listen to the cool rock music that plays and celebrate good times from home, 'cause you've just finished the first dungeon! You can wipe off the sweat now and brag to your girlfriend about your sk1llz.
Part 2: Genie in a Bottle
Chief, it's a code 532: Moblin Raid!
Well out of the stinky and dank dungeon, head north, back to Mabe Village. Feel free to use your very heterosexual feather to clear the holes you saw on the way to Tail Cave previously. Of course, as you enter Mabe Village, you'll notice that the carefree village music isn't playing anymore; it has been replaced with a stressful danger theme. And not only that, some ADD kids bother you about an apparent Moblin attack. Well, long story short (as if you could get any sort of sense out of those tweaked out twin kids) the evil Moblins have stolen/kidnapped Madame MeowMeow's precious pet, Bow-Wow. Wow, talk about evil deeds there guys... did you make sure to steal one of the kids' lunch money while you were at it? Anyway, her house is where you saw that cute cannonball-like thing chained to a post. Feel free to listen to her menopausal rants if you care to. Anyway, you've now been demoted to dog catcher. Tough break. Well, a hero's gotta start off somewhere. Before we get to that, however, we have some nice sidequests for you to complete (feel free to skip this next section if you just want to get on with the game; beware, however, that the trading quest has to be completed in order to complete the game... I guess you could also use GameFAQs there. More to come on this later.) so let's get on with it.
You Want Some Fries with Them Side Quests?
Firstly, I'll need you to raise some cash. If you have less than 10 Rupees as of press time, whack down the bushes and grass to the east of Marin and Tarin's crib. Once you have 10 Rupees, go south to the Trendy Game. This is pretty easy, really. Pay Bill Gates for one whack at the game. Head over to the fancy "control booth" and you're in business. This functions much like <Jim Carrey Inflection>THE CLAW!!!!!</Jim Carrey Inflection> in that you control the claw-like thing and try to get one of the objects on the assembly line there. For an easy way to do this, move the crane so that it's situated directly over right-most part of the conveyor belt. Once an item just passes the down-left corner, quickly press A, and the Claw will usually get that item. Rack up some dough, at least 250 (if you don't already got it) by getting the Rupees (worth 30 Rupees each and they restock each time you enter the shop) and also, make sure to get the Yoshi Doll in the middle.
Now, with some cash and your Yoshi doll, head north to the Mabe Village Shop and buy the fancy Shovel for 200 Rupees. You'll be needing this to advance in the game. You can also dig a lot with it, like those hippies of yore, to uncover helpful items like Rupees and Hearts from the ground, at random. Exit and re-enter the shop, and purchase Bombs for 10 Rupees. Now you've got some new equipment, sweet. Don't waste those Bombs, they're hard to come by. Now, head to Madam Meow-Meow's house and go two screens north to the Fishing Pond. Here you can fish. It's a quite easy side quest. Just pay the guy with the dumb-looking mudflaps and throw your line with A. Press A to "draw" the line towards you. When a fish bites, turbo-press A like a freakin' lunatic to reel it in. Don't bother with the small, fry, get the big fat ones; the one closest to the bank "contains" a Piece of Heart, so make sure to get that one. With a Piece of Heart in hand, head southwest to the well. Whack the bushes and jump down into it for another Piece of Heart. Now, head two screens north of Marin and Tarin's house of ill repute and you'll find a big house with two entrances. Trade your newly obtained Yoshi Doll to the relatively hot housewife therein. She'll give you a Ribbon in return... and you got final confirmation that apparently, many people mistake Link for one of those guys who wear Ribbons. With the Ribbon, head to Madam Meow-Meow's house and trade your Ribbon to the cute lil' Bow-Bow for some Dog Food... great, at least now you won't starve.
Dog Food in hand, head south to the shore area, where you found your sword. Somewhere around there is a hut, where the talking crocodile Sale lives. This nutcase runs the local Banana Republic and is a collector of canned foods... so, that nice little can of tasty Dog Food you got... give it to him and don't bother telling him that it's two years past the expiration date. In return, he'll give you some mushy old Bananas. Cool stuff. Well, that's it for side quests... for now. Like it how this section is almost as long as a dungeon section?
Bow Wow Wow, Yippee Yo, Yippee Yay & The Moblin Turf Wars, Mang
Okay, so you've finished the sidequests, and now you should feel great. Now, it's time to rescue that
bothersome cute Bow-Wow from captivity. In order to get to where the Moblins are keeping this thing, go back into the Mysterious Woods and north of the area where the Witch's hut was. There should be an area with a bunch of holes. Use Roc's Feather to clear the holes. Feel free to pick up the Piece of Heart in the middle, if you'd care to. Head up and one screen right, and you should see a cave entrance with an Owl Statue nearby. Don't mind the random things these statues say when approached... leave it to Nintendo to find an even more useless and unreadable way of relaying information than this walkthrough. Okay kid, now equip your feather and sword and enter the cave. Once inside, bad bad Moblins will read their lines from the script and attack you. Die here and you officially suck at this game. Off the guys, as well as those in the next room. Now, you're faced with a little challenge, actually - you're confronted by the Great Moblin. In order to beat this guy, walk around and dodge his arrows until he charges at you, and then dodge/jump over the guy, and he'll crash into the wall, stunning him for a short while and allowing you to get in a few sword attacks. Repeat as needed. The guy should be relatively easy.
Once he's done for, a door opens, leading to the room where Bow-Wow is. Release him from the stone block and he'll follow you, much like a freak on a leash. The sensible and good thing to do right now would be to take Bow-Wow back to his owner, but you aren't a sensible or good guy, now are you. With Bow-Wow (who'll eat any enemies on the screen) as your newfound ally, head back to the area of the Mysterious Woods where the Tail Cave Key was. No Raccoons this time. Feel free to take a shortcut to the area by jumping over the hole. Now, head northeast, to the swamp. Your buddy will eat these Goponga Flowers, allowing you to pass on. Somewhere along the swampy plants is a decent Treasure Chest. In the northeastern corner of the swamp is the entrance to Bottle Grotto, the second dungeon. Have Bow-Wow clear you a path and prepare for attack!
You've arrived in Koholint's primary supplier and vendor of bottled water, Bottle Grotto. Unfortunately, it has been taken over by evil enemies who seek to sell it with jacked-up prices or something. Oh yeah, and they got that thar Instrument of the Sirens which you need. That treasure chest stuck in between those pots looks pretty tempting, eh? Try to approach the pots and Link will regret not doing steroids earlier in life. Oh wells. Head north and you'll find a room with torches in the center. Light the torches with the Flammable Powder of Magic (Magic Powder) and head right. In the next room, defeat the multi-coloured Stalfos and pick up the Small Key they drop. Head back to the Central Torch chamber and unlock the door to the left with the key. Beat the meanies inside the room and head north again. Get the Stone Slab/Beak. Return to the Stalfos room where you got the key. Now begins a series of somewhat annoying Crystal Switch puzzles.