I lost the will to write something witty up here. So let's just get to the meat.
The Meat (aka we're mountain climbing)!
So okay, we left off...somewhere near the Sanctuary I guess. If you're not there, well I suggest going there. Go one screen to the west and go one screen to the north. There are some Guays and Buzzblobs. Also, by now you might have noticed strange creatures that hide under bushes and rocks. I want to talk about them with you, because the Discovery Channel won't. These are called Hoarders. These things hobble around the area releasing Rupees. For every six green ones it spits out, it spits out a red one, but it won't spit out another Rupee until you get the one it already spit out. It can be tough to get because the Hoarders are really bouncy and you'll bounce off them too.
Now as you go north, you'll find a cave blocked by a rock. This is the entrance to Death Mountain, our next destination. There's a sign saying you need the king's permission, but we don't take orders from unelected tyrants. So let's pick up that rock and head inside.
It's dark in here and there are lots of Keese. You also have to watch out for bottomless pits. But just keep heading east and you'll eventually come to....an old man! (surprise, surprise) He'll start talking about old man stuff, but he'll then start following you. You can't move very fast because, well, he's an old man. And because the old men are the REAL heroes in the Zelda games, we'll be listening to everything he says. He'll even tell you which pots have recovery hearts in them! He'll tell you which way to go, too, but the first time he tells you to turn right, keep heading east. He'll direct you into a swarm of Keese if you go south (shows how forgetful and useless he is). When you come to a dead end, follow his advice and go south. He'll mention that he has a daughter who is Link's age, which makes me wonder if he wants to court her for Link. But Link doesn't seem interested in women, which is kinda depressing. But yeah, go south and out.
You're on the slopes of Death Mountain now. But before you go on, the old man will leave and enter a cave. He'll give you a Magic Mirror. He'll tell you when to use it, but I'm gonna keep that secret for now, because I'm like that. He'll then go inside the cave. Follow him inside and talk to him. He can recover your hearts whenever you talk to him. You can either go deeper into the cave or walk outside; both lead to the same place. Inside the cave is a three room maze, but outside you'll have to deal with falling rocks and what I'll consider to be "Goron's Spawn." If you hit these things with your Sword they'll stop for a few seconds but you can never kill them. And need I tell you those falling rocks HURT? Everything here takes off a full heart. If you go the cave route, there are two rooms other than the room with the old man in it. The second room is light but the third room is a dark maze with Keese in it. The exit to that room is in the south end of it.
Either way, when you get to this point, go west until you see a ladder and a cave. Don't go into the cave because it just takes you out of Death Mountain. Instead, go up the ladder. The rocks will stop falling now so you don't have to worry about that at this height. Now, go east until you come to a cave. If you go in you'll see a Piece of Heart sitting across a pit. If you fall into the pit you'll land in a room that has a Faerie Fountain to the east and a long passageway with Mini-Moldorms to the west. This leads to the exit which is on a ledge you can jump down from and then go west back to the ladder.
To get that Piece of Heart, you'll need to jump down to a ledge to the east of the ledge you came out of. You'll have to guess and check, but I'm pretty sure if you stand right at the end of the point where you can jump off the cliff and jump off, you'll land on the ledge. Go inside and walk up the stairs to reach the Piece of Heart, and also a Telepathy Tile. Sahasrahla will tell you that "somehow" you have to make it to the top of Spectacle Rock.
If you go up to the top of the ladder, you'll see the cliff with the cave that leads to the room with the pit. That cave is inside Spectacle Rock. What you have to do is get on top of the thing. Now Link isn't a very good mountain climber (I'm sure the yodeling mountain climber on The Price is Right could do it) and thus he can't do it. We'll have to find another way. Keep going east and you'll reach a dead end with a strange icon glowing in the center of a bunch of rocks. Try stepping on it and....you'll be thrown into a hazy warp.
When you stop...you'll be in...a location that looks eerily similar to where you just were, only more...chocolatey...and you're now a pink bunny. If you haven't figured it out, this is the Dark World, where you'll be spending a lot of time soon. If you walk to the west you'll see a ticked off pumpkin kicking a ball around. The ball will refer to you as "Mr. Bunny." I still prefer Bunny Link to Wolf Link. The ball and the pumpkin will tell you that in the Dark World your form changes to reflect what is in your heart. Only if you have the Moon Pearl can you keep your human form in the Dark World. But we don't have it. Still, why does Link transform into a rabbit? You'd think our hero would be something more majestic, but maybe Link is a prancing bunny at heart.
Anyway, in bunny form you can't use any of your items except your Magic Mirror. There's nothing you can do here except visit a Faerie Fountain and a cave with a passage blocked by moles. What you WANT to do here is go to where the pumpkin and the ball are, and look to the north. You'll see the ground change color. Stand in the spot with the changed color and use your Magic Mirror. You'll warp back to the Light World, Hyrule, but you'll be on top of Spectacle Rock! Grab the Piece of Heart and jump down to the north. You're at your next destination: the Tower of Hera. Time to go inside!
Why does a Greek Goddess get her own tower?
This is something that irritates me. You'd think they'd name the tower after one of the gods that created Hyrule (The instruction manual says they're gods, so that's what they are, okay?), but they didn't. So anyway let's get on with it. When you enter the first thing you'll notice is blue blocks in the floor blocking your way. You can't push them out because they're welded, or something like that. Anyway you can only get through by hitting the red orb with your Sword or any other weapon. This is a Crystal Switch. Crystal Switches work as a system throughout the dungeons. Either all the Crystal Switches are red or they all are blue. When they're red, the orange blocks will sink into the ground and the blue blocks will rise to block your path. When they're blue, the blue blocks will sink and the orange blocks will rise. Anyway, go down the flight of stairs you see to the left. Here you'll find two kinds of Stalfoses: the kind from the Eastern Palace and a new, red kind. This one will counter all attacks by throwing a bone at you, and that bone hurts. Just throw your Boomerang at it four times to kill it. There's also a Small Key in this room. You don't need to hit the Crystal Switch to get it; your Boomerang can fly across colored blocks and retrieve the key for you.
Now, go back upstairs to 2F and hit one of the Crystal Switches to make the orange blocks sink, then head to the north part of the room. There are two enemies imprisoned in cages that breathe fire; let's just call them red fire breathing dragons for now. You can kill them with your Sword. At the center of this part of the room is a chest with the Map inside, so make sure you grab that. Now go to the northwest corner of the room and use your key to unlock the door there. It leads back downstairs.
Here, you'll find another one of those pesky Flying Tile puzzles. I hope you memorized how they fly in the Desert Palace, because this time you have to survive the whole thing in order for the east door to open. It's easier to stand in one place and charge up your Sword and let them hit that than to try and dodge them, since they can home in on you. If you haven't memorized it, the tiles will fly in place for a few seconds before flying at you, so you can be at the ready. Anyway, when you're finished, the door will open. Hit the Crystal Switch in the southwest corner of the room to lower the blue blocks that block the door.
The next room is simple. Hit they Crystal Switch to lower the orange blocks. You may want to use your Spin Attack to defeat the Mini-Moldorms in here first (the Spin Attack can hurt the Mini-Moldorms if they come to a corner) so that they can't hurt you, but you can do whatever you want. In the next room, you'll find another white and another red Stalfos. Kill them if you want, then light the four torches with your Lamp to find the chest with the Big Key. Now go back to the first floor hitting every Crystal Switch along the way. When you reach the first floor make sure the orange blocks are lowered so you can start climbing UP the tower. Go up the staircase at the lower right corner of the entrance room.
On 3F you'll encounter a new enemy: the Living Crystal Switch. These enemies have a LOT of recoil; if you attack them, you'll bounce back pretty far. Luckily they'll do the same thing. They'll die if you hit them three times with your Sword, but you can try and push them into the pits as well. By the way, if you fall into a pit you'll drop back down to 2F. Kill all the Living Crystal Switches to open the door to the west. In the next room, don't fall for the trap of hitting the Crystal Switch to lower the Blue Block. We want to keep the orange blocks lowered for as much as possible. Instead we're going to utilize the Star Tiles on the floor to move the pits so you can go through the orange block. Star tiles work just by stepping on them so it's not too hard to figure out. Once you do, move around the pits dodging or killing the Living Crystal Switches and unlock the door at the north end of the room using the Big Key to go into the next room. Work your way around the Living Crystal Switches and the pits and hit the Star Tile that's farthest to the right in this room. This will allow you to pass around the raised blue blocks with no pit in the way, and you can go upstairs to 4F.
Here you'll find some more of those fire-breathing dragons, but they're out in the open this time. Kill them as you head south and head west to the center of the room. Here you'll find the Compass and a Telepathy Tile. Sahasrahla will demand for the 9th time that you get the Moon Pearl before you leave this place. I say listen to his advice. If you don't get the Moon Pearl now you'll be VERY sorry later in the game. So we're going to get it. Make your way to the northwest corner of the room dodging or killing all the fire breathing dragons. There are stairs going up to 5F. Go up the stairs. Here, look for a star tile next to a rotating fire sword. Step on the star tile while avoiding the fire sword and a pit will appear at the north center of the room. Now this is very important: make sure you jump into the pit from the NORTH side. If you do it correctly you'll land on the platform with the Big Treasure Chest. Inside is the Moon Pearl. This item will keep you from ever becoming Mr. Bunny again when you go to the Dark World! Now you can just be yourself! Now hit the star tiles to exit and go back to 5F.
Here you'll encounter more Living Crystal Switches, but you may notice there's a red one in addition to all the blue ones. The red one takes about 48 slashes with your Sword to kill (I'm exaggerating) which means you're probably best off luring it into a pit. Speaking of pits, at the northwest corner of this room you'll find three pits lined up southwest to northeast. If you jump into the northeasternmost pit of these three you'll fall through jars until you reach a Faerie Fountain! Keep this location in mind! A warp tile will take you back up to 5F when you're done. At the east side of the room you'll notice a large number of pots. These have Recovery Hearts inside, so take notice of them. Now, go to the northeast corner of 5F and go upstairs to 6F!
You're now in the boss's lair, and the boss is the Moldorm (Giant Wurm [sic] according to the fold out guide that comes with the game). You'll need to jump down onto its platform and the place you do that is in the south of the room. Once you're on the platform, be careful. Getting hit by the Moldorm or striking any part of its body except the weak spot on its tail will cause you to recoil and more than likely fall into the pits that surround Moldorm's platform. If you fall into the central pit, consider yourself VERY unlucky. You'll fall to at least 4F...maybe even lower! And when you get back up, Moldorm's health will recover fully, while yours won't (unless you recovered down below). But anyway, you need to hit Moldorm's tail six times with your Sword to kill it. After hitting it five times, it'll speed up, making it that much harder to hit. If you fall into a pit, use the pots with Recovery Hearts to recover or use the Faerie Fountain. You can intentionally take a dive into a pit if you're running low on health so you can live to fight another day. But if you kill it, congratulations! You'll get a new Heart Container and the Pendant of Wisdom! We now have all three Pendants of Virtue, so now we can FINALLY go get the Master Sword! Next time we'll go and get it!