Help me, Please help me

Yeah. And I'm gonna NEED help writing this damn walkthrough. Or at least finishing it. Or...something...

Waking up

So Princess Zelda pleads to you through telepathy (what's interesting is how the hell they didn't keep telepathy for games beyond this one) to save her. You know, I liked the old Zelda designs better than the new ones. Although the new Zelda is much more forceful. Anyway, she'll wake up a young kid that you get to name, so let's just call him Link because that's what he is. Anyway, she's not pleading to you. She's pleading to your uncle. He doesn't have a name, so let's just call him Albert. Don't ask me why. Because Albert is a cool name. Don't question it.

Anyway, Albert is an overprotective uncle and decides to ground you for no apparent reason. He tells you to stay in bed. But we're going to be a bad boy tonight. We're gonna rebel and sneak out. Now, you may notice a treasure chest sitting in the lower right corner of the room. Open it. Inside is the Lamp, your first item. And you can't use it, woo hoo! It says you need "Magic Power" to use it. Whatever might that be? Well I'm not gonna tell you yet because I'm in a bite-you mood. Anyway, exit the house.

Now, it's raining and you can hardly see. Soldiers block off most of the passages and won't let you through until you're "grown up" or have a sword. They'll be asses to you but they'll also tell you the basic controls of the game. You can also pick up the bushes if you want. Some of them might have funny looking emeralds inside. These are Rupees, the currency of Hyrule. Now, if you dawdle for too long, you'll hear Zelda constantly whine to you via telepathy. So what you want to do is go north to Hyrule Castle. But the guard at the gate won't let you in. Go to the northeast and follow the path. At the end is a bush. Pick it up and fall into the pit. Don't worry, it's harmless.

Inside the pit

So you've fallen to your doom, and you land in...a pool of water? What kind of strange adventure is this? The sewer adventure? Anyway, you'll find Uncle Albert here. Albert will scold you for leaving the house, even though he's basically dying. He'll give you a Sword and Shield, and he'll also tell you that Zelda is your...something. What? Princess? Girlfriend? Mistress? Anyway, we don't get to find out because he dies. He'll also teach you that if you hold the B button down for a long period of time you can release a Whirling Blade Technique with your Sword. Anyway, head west and south through the door to the next room. If you go east here, you'll see two thin green Hyrule Guards, and these guys are basically all over Hyrule (although not the thin green ones). Just kill them by using your Sword (that's how you kill most enemies); two hits or a Spin Attack should suffice. Open the chest for a Blue Rupee, which is worth five green ones. Also, if you pick up the pots here, you'll find Magic Jars, which increase the amount of Magic Power you have in your Magic Meter, meaning you can now use your Lamp to light the torch in the room. When you're ready, leave through the southwest door.

You're back outside now, and you're in the courtyard. Notice that you can cut the bushes and grass to find Rupees with your Sword. So go have fun vandalizing the castle grounds. Bee careful (the misspelling was done on purpose as a bad joke) though, because there are bees in the bushes, and they can hurt you if you touch them. Kill them with your Sword. There are also three more green Guards here. Two are thin and one is fat. Most of the guards you'll find are fat, and the fat ones will run after you if they see you, so be careful. They can also be killed in two hits. When you're ready, head into the main castle door; you should see it to the north.

The mysterious maze in Hyrule Castle

Finally, a music change! Anyway, this room has two thin green Guards and a fat one, so kill them, if you want. You have a choice of going left or right; it doesn't matter which way you go. You can also go upstairs, but we're not going that way just yet.

I think the left is the easier of the two routes, only because you have to fight two less guards (as if....). Anyway, the room on the left has a fat blue Guard on the upper deck. Blue Guards need three hits to kill as supposed to two. If you go south through the door you can go onto the castle walls, but there's nothing of interest there, so don't worry about it. There's a guard that you can talk to who sounds pretty pissed. But ignore the castle walls for now.

If you go north from the room with the blue Guard, you'll find a room with two thin green Guards and a fat one. Kill them. If you need to recover, the pots in this room have Recovery Hearts if you pick them up. Throwing a pot against an enemy deals big damage.

Go in the room to the right. This is where the two paths converge to go down the stairs.

If you chose the right path from the start, you go into a room with two green Guards under a ledge and a blue one on top, and in the room north of this one there are two thin green Guards and a fat one. If you go left from this room, you'll be in the room where the paths converge to go down the stairs.

You're now on B1 of Hyrule Castle. The door to the south has a lock on it. You'll have to kill the blue Guard in this room to get the Small Key that opens the door. But before leaving this room, open the chest to get the Dungeon Map (press X to view it). Head south from here through the door and you'll come to a room with pits. Be VERY CAREFUL here. If you fall into a pit you'll lose a heart and return to the entrance of the room. The good news is you can use your sword to push the guards into the pits, which is fun to watch. Kill the blue Guard here and head south. There are two blue Guards here; kill them both and head south again. There is one more blue Guard to kill here, so kill it and head around the pit to the west. Here, you'll be in a room with two green Guards; kill them if you want, or go around them on the passageway above. Either way, you want to go to the northwest door.

This is the first room where you'll encounter shutter doors. You have to kill the green Guard to make the doors open. So kill it and go into the room to the right. Kill the blue Guard here for another Small Key, and open the Treasure Chest here for the Boomerang. This is a nice item, and it stuns most enemies so you can kill them with your sword without fear of being hit for a short period of time. The catch is any enemy killed while stunned drops a single green Rupee, so in some cases it might not be worth it, but at this point in the game it certainly is. Go back into the first room and use the key to open the door to the north. Go down the stairs in the next room to reach B2. From here, go down the stairs again to reach B3.

There's a single green Guard here in the jail cell room, so kill him. There's another enemy here, and this is the "boss" of Hyrule Castle: a Ball and Chain Trooper. And need I tell you that that Ball and Chain HURTS? So yeah, avoid it unless you want one big heart taken away. The secret to killing him is by throwing the pots in the left cell at him; two pots should do it. When you win you'll get the dungeon's Big Key, which opens up the locked cell.

Inside is Zelda! She'll act all like the lame damsel in distress. She'll tell you to take her to a secret Sanctuary where someone can hide her. Before you go, open the chest next to her for a blue Rupee, and then head back the way you came. We'll talk about our great escape in the next part, though.

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