In addition to my two Zelda games, I will also be writing a short, comedic story about the Postman from Twilight Princess. Enjoy.
Another day, another load of work to be done. Everyone in Hyrule has a letter to deliver, and they all need it done fast. And there's only one person who can do it. There's only one Postman.
So the Postman thought to himself as he rushed across the Bridge of Eldin, a letter to Impaz of the Hidden Village clasped in his hand. He was a tall, lanky man, perfectly built for the amount of running he did. When they gave him the job, he was offered a horse. The Postman politely declined, stating that he could run faster. And he could. This was why no one else could do the job. No one else would dare to try and rival the Postman.
He crossed the bridge and continued across the rocky hills of Eldin. On the way, a Lizalfos flagged him down.
"Thank you for stopping, human sir," said the lizard creature. "Me have letter for doctor in Castle Town. Take it, or I eat you."
"Not necessary," said the Postman, respectfully bowing. He took the hastily scrawled letter and continued on his way. In the Hidden Village, he successfully delivered the letter to the old woman. It had come from a teenage girl in Ordon Village. The old Sheikah read it, her eyes brimming with tears of joy.
"So, the girl got her memory back. That's good... Thank you, Mr. Postman. Oh, before I forget, Mr. Tibbs asked me to write a letter for him. It's to be delivered to Louise of Castle Town/ Do you know her? She's a fluffy white kitty..."
"I'm acquainted with her human," the Postman answered. "I'll deliver it as swiftly as my legs can carry me."
Within an hour, the Postman was back in Hyrule Castle Town. The workday was up, but his job description clearly stated that he must finish delivering all of the day's mail before he retired for the night. If he was to disobey the delivery schedule, it would surely be the end of his career. A photo of Princess Zelda glaring angrily at him was posted on the wall of his office, bearing the motif, "Hard work brings happiness. Laziness brings shame." The Postman lived by this law. He had never been shamed before, and he never planned to be in the future.
The first stop was the tent on the East Road. The green-clothed ringmaster living there was annoyed to be woken up, but accepted his letter nonetheless.
"From my brother? Of course, who else starts a letter with 'Koolooh Limpah?'" the ringmaster grumbled, before returning to bed.
The doctor came next. The Lizalfos' letter was badly written, and the old doctor demanded that it be read to him.
"I can't see nothin' with these eyes of mine. Read it to me and begone!" he crowed.
The Postman read, "'Doctor man, you refused to deliver wife's eggs. You bad man. I kill.' That's the letter, sir! I'm off!"
Handing over the letter, the Postman turned around and ran to Telma's Bar. The fluffy cat Louise was sitting in the nearby alley. The Postman handed her Mr. Tibbs's letter, which she began to chew on. His workload done for the day, the Postman entered the bar for a late dinner. As always, Jovani was sitting at a table crying.
Telma called out to him as he entered. "Hey, honey! You mind taking this letter to the priest of Kakariko Village for me?"
"As soon as the sun rises tomorrow, ma'am," said the Postman, taking the letter, which appeared to be smothered in perfume. He sat down on the floor of the bar.
"What to order? Hmmm, I believe I will start with the meat..."
After dinner, the Postman left the bar and headed back to the Post Office. However, as soon as he left the alleyway on which Telma's Bar was located, a massively obese green creature with enormous horns confronted him.
"Hello? I have a letter to be delivered," said the creature, which the Postman could now see was none other than King Bulblin, ruler of the Bulblin clan.
"I will deliver it first thing in the morning," said the Postman, taking a sealed envelope from the King's meaty hand.
"Is it possible to do that sooner?" said King Bulblin. "This is kind of important."
"My workday is over. The schedule states that no more letters may be delivered today."
"Well then, would you deliver before anything else tomorrow? It's very important."
"I'm sorry, your majesty, but my first priority is a letter to Renado of Kakariko Village." The Postman tried to walk past King Bulbin, but the massive goblin moved to stand in his way.
"Look, just trust me that this is a very important piece of mail," said the goblin, almost pleading now.
The Postman replied, "Is it Priority Mail?"
"Well, no, but-"
"Then I must follow the delivery schedule."
"But, you see, this isn't really something I want to bring to attention. Requesting Priority Mail may give me some unwanted publicity..."
"Be that as it may, I will deliver your letter just as I deliver anyone else's. A public servant like myself must remain neutral and treat everyone with equality. The noble Postal Service of Hyrule is known for two things: speedy delivery and professional behavior. To give you preferential treatment would be unprofessional-"
King Bulblin cut the Postman off. "Look, I don't need to hear the whole speech. Just deliver it fast, okay?"
The enormous Bulblin turned and walked away down a dark alley. The Postman returned to his office for a full three hours of sleep before the next workday began.
The next morning, the Postman awoke to a squeaking sound. He turned over in his bed, facing the table where he had placed the two letters from the day before. Several large rats were chewing on Telma's letter, possibly attracted by the waves of perfume. Another one one approached King Bulblin's letter, but was unable to chew through the animal-hide envelope.
"Oh no! Oh no no no no no!" shouted the Postman, leaping out of bed. He shooed the rats away, and picked up Telma's letter. It was slightly torn, but not much. To keep it safe from future rat attacks, the Postman stuffed it in the hide envelope with King Bulblin's letter. The smell of rotting flesh only slightly covered up the smell of the perfume.
The Postman ate breakfast and assembled his schedule for the day. The Bulblin's envelope was addressed to the Great Moblin on the other side of the Gerudo Desert, and Telma had requested that her letter be delivered to Renado of Kakariko Village.
"All right, then. I'll cross the desert, deliver the letter, get back by lunchtime, skip lunchtime, and continue the routine. That Bulblin will get his letter delivered first after all."
Taking the odious envelope in his bag, the Postman ran out of the office to begin another day. Right on time, as usual.
The Gerudo Desert was impossible to cross in one day for those who were not the Postman. Luckily for the Postman, he was the Postman, and he could cross it easily within two hours. For anyone else, the Moldorms that lurked beneath the sand would have been a hindrance. For the Postman, no monster short of a Helmasaurus could slow him down. He crossed the desert, never breaking his stride, humming the Postman's anthem under his breath the whole time.
Just beyond the Arbiter's Grounds, a large fortress was erected. A flag bearing the Moblin insignia was hanging from the battlements. Various Moblins patrolled the perimeter, armed to the teeth and constantly hungry. Anyone else would never have approachefd. Anyone else was not the Postman.
"I have a letter for the Great Moblin!" he shouted, nearing the gates. "Is he here?"
A Moblin leaned over the battlements. "Go away! No humans allowed!"
"But I have a letter that urgently must reach the Great Moblin!"
Several more Moblins gathered on top of the walls. The first Moblin aksed, "What so urgent about it? What it say?"
The Postman was taken aback. "Sir! I would never jeopardize the reputation of the Hyrulean Postal Service by reading someone else's mail! The Postal Service of Hyrule is known for two things: speedy delivery and professional beha-"
"Okay, okay!" The Moblin yelled. "Just come in! Try any funny things, we kill and eat you."
Despite his annoyance at the large number of people threatening to eat him over the past few days, the Postman entered the fortress.
Inside, the Moblins were busy with construction work. A large trebuchet was being erected near the entrance, while several siege towers were already finished and ready to move. The Great Moblin was sitting on a throne at the center of the Fortress. When he saw the Postman, he growled.
"You dare enter my fortress? YOU MUST-"
"I have brought you a letter!" the Postman exclaimed, cutting off the Great Moblin halfway through his threat. He reached into the animal-hide envelope and extracted the perfume-covered letter.
"What is this?" asked the Great Moblin, taking the letter from the Postman's hand. "It smells like a Dodongo's vomit!"
"You have just received a speedy delivery from Hyrule's premiere Postal Service! Good day!" The Postman bowed and ran from the fortress, glad to be rid of the foul-smelling letter.
Once the Postman was gone, the Great Moblin opened up the letter, and read aloud:
"Hey, honey! I just thought you should know that are hotness incarnate. When I see you walking, I feel like I'm in heaven. When I'm sleeping, I see you in my dreams. You know you want me too. Your mouth says no, but your eyes say yes! Sure, you're a shaman and I'm a bartender, but we can make this work! Write me back as soon as you can, right honey?
All of the Moblins were staring at their leader. The Great Moblin held the letter out at arm's length, his face a mask of terror.
The Great Moblin spoke. "What the Din is this?" He looked around at his minions, as if hoping one of them would provide the answer. None did.
"Okay, then. Let's forget that happened and get back to work." the enormous Moblin said. The Moblins were glad to oblige.
More to come...