|The Legend of Zelda: Walrus Gumboot|
|Designer(s)||Auron M. Kaizer|
|Release date(s)||Half Past Never|
|Genre(s)||Action adventure, eroticism(?)|
|Media||Moldy Pizza Box|
- "Link, listen well to my words of Expository Wisdom. A long time ago, the world was in chaos. It was a time of great strife and cliches, and stuff went down. Terrible stuff inextricably linked to our current situation, as well as your destiny. Suffice it to say, after a mighty battle, a Great Evil was sealed away in a can of Mountain Dew. Because nuclear technology had not been developed at this point, destroying it was not an option, so a decision was made, based on a note of prophecy, to leave it poorly guarded for centuries, to a point in time where a Great Hero would come and destroy it. Said Great Hero utterly failed in his quest due to dying of dysentery, and the Great Evil has been once again unleashed upon the world. So we were left with no choice but to choose someone to take his place, completely at random. Yes, Link. This Hero Is You. Good luck with that. I'm going to the pub."
- — Old Man
The Legend of Zelda: Walrus Gumboot is an upcoming installment in Legend of Zelda series, produced, released and pirated by SkullWarez Incorporated. The first to be released on the Wii-X-Lax 540, Walrus Gumboot is a work of EPIC WIN that will turn out to be the bestest game in Zelda history.[citation not needed] The game is set in the fictional world of The Twilight Zone, in which the protagonist, Link is forced to do random fetch quests only for the bulk of the story to be played out in the latter stages of the game. In fact, 60% of the game consists of unneeded sidequests. The game was released Half Past Never and didn't not receive critical and commercial success.
- "The very foundation of the game play is deceptively simple, and designed with any possibly [sic] consumption of nachos while playing in mind."
- — SkullWarez Inc. Production Blog, Entry 3
A first in game technology, the game can be played entirely with the human Mind, allowing players to defeat enemies with Mind Bullets, as well as manufacture their own designs for the characters. However, due to the limitations of the technology, all textures created by the Mind will look all crappy, like on a Sony PlayStation. In dungeons, the puzzles and design can also be formed by the power of the human Mind. This allows for a variable difficulty level according to one's intelligence quota.
Jeez, I already told you it's set in The Twilight Zone. You seriously expect me to say it here too? No.
Part I: The Ancient Prophecy, or A Conspicuously Familiar Story Setup
Link is a young boy working at McDonald's. One day, a strange Old Man appears before him and presents him with green clothes, claiming that it is his destiny to save the land of Hyrule from an impending doom. Link knocks the Old Man unconscious and throws him in a dumpster. After a foggy night on the town, Link makes the mistake of showing up to work with his green garb, thus getting him fired for not wearing company issue clothing. Link quickly sinks into depression and is caught in a spiral of self-destruction. One morning, Link awakens in a soft, green field, where the Old Man appears once more and presents him with a sword for his journey. Link cuts the Old Man with the sword and hides him under some bushes. All of a sudden, Link is attacked by armored slices of pepperoni. Link's sword turns out to be made from plaster, and he is nearly killed before being saved by a mysterious, cloaked ranger known as Strider. Strider takes the unconscious Link to the nearby town of Kakariko and takes him to the resident physician, Dr. Pepper, who examines Link's wounds. As this happens, however, the town is attacked by the forces of Fannon(dorf). Dr. Pepper's brother, Sgt. Pepper, launches defensive action but is killed protecting the village.
Link awakens only to find that Strider wants money for saving him. Link cuts Strider's heel with his sword, slams his head with a door and steals his truck, bearing the license plate 3P0N4-R001Z. However, Link is forced to stop for gas in the next town, where a mysterious blind beggar recognizes him as the prophesized hero of Hyrule. Link steals the blind beggar's collection money and spends it on a shield and a steel sword in the village shop. Link inquires about how to get back to the real world, and is told of a nearby castle that supposedly holds a Gate to Another Plane. Having nothing better to do, Link makes his way through the forest, where he is ambushed by Tusken Raiders claiming that they only want him to sign a questionnaire. Link signs the questionnaire, which turns out to be an order for 1,000 cans of spam past the expiration date. Link kills the Tusken Raiders and leaves them to their spam. He arrives at the gate to the castle, but finds that it is locked. Searching through the forest, Link finds a Lockpick. Link tries using the Lockpick to unlock the gate, but finds the process to be boring and just blasts the lock with his sword instead. Inside the castle, Link finds many weird and unexplainable things. At the top of the castle, Link finds the Gate to Another Plane; however, the magical items used to power them, the mythical Placeholder Objects of Thingy, have long since been taken by Fannon(dorf)'s minions due to their shininess. On the ground, Link finds an empty matchbox from a club called "Fail 9,000"; the best clue he has obtained so far, Link travels to the central city of Hyrule, New Casino Town, searching for the elusive club.
Part II: The Plot Sickens, or Videlectric Roodaloo: Character Development Sold Separately
Link meets upon a garishly clothed stranger in an alley, who claims to have knowledge of such a club; however, the only way to obtain this information is to beat him at Money Making Game. Link finds the game impossible to win, requiring the use of Mind Bullets to kill the stranger and extract information from his brain. Link also steals +2 Strength Gauntlets from his dead body. Link sneaks into the club, takes out his guardians and confronts the owner, Mr. Popo, while techno music blares in the background. Link convinces him to tell him what he knows about the Placeholder Objects of Thingy, breaking one of his fingernails for each false answer. Mr. Popo reveals the location of the first Placeholder Object; namely, in his mansion in a town a little south of New Casino Town. After knocking Mr. Popo unconscious, Link travels south, only to find his road being blocked by 300 Spartans. With no way to get past, Link goes the long way around, deep into the forest. Here, he meets a mime and a clown, who have lost their precious copy of Link: The Faces of Evil. Link follows the unholy stench of the putrid drivel of a game and finds a dark cave, inside of which he meets a magical fairy called Bill. Bill asks him whether or not he dropped a copy of Link: The Faces of Evil into her fountain. Link answers yes, and the fairy rewards his honesty by presenting him with a better game; namely, Hello Kitty Island Adventure. Link returns with the game to the clown and mime, but they are angered by the fact that he did not bring the game they asked for and attack him, only to be beaten senseless. Link steals the mime's suit and uses it in some clever fashion to bypass the 300 Spartans, eventually coming to the first dungeon, Popo's Jive-Turkey Pad.
Inside of Popo's Jive Turkey Pad, no plot events occur and actually writing about the events of a dungeon trek would be insanely boring, as would reading it. For anyone outside of Norfolk, that is. After beating the dungeon boss, Safer*Popo, Link retrieves one of the Placeholder Objects of Thingy; as he touches it, a bottle of spirits appears, which he drinks. As part of the hallucinatory vision that he receives as part of drinking the tainted spirits (presented in Glorious Technicolor) a magical fairy appears and tells him about the true purpose of the Placeholder Objects of Thingy; should they be gathered, he will be able to return to the real world, however, by doing so, he will cause the entire space/time continuum to collapse in upon itself. Link is given a choice to give up his quest, making the game's CD self-destruct, or to continue the quest, effectively dooming all life. The canonical option is Option #2, so Link chooses that. Link awakens with a hangover in New Casino Town, with no clue as to where to find the next Placeholder Object of Thingy. After the player checks a walkthrough to find out where to go next, Link travels northsouth to Level 2, Walrus's Abode. However, in an overgrown forest on his way there, he is engaged by a mysterious female thief who is taller than him. She steals the Chocorang, the dungeon's first item, but following the conventions of recent Zelda games, the item requires no further use in the game outside of the dungeon itself, so nobody cares. Inside Level 2, some plot events do transpire, including the revelation of the garishly clothed stranger's identity, being the Ghost of Capitalism. Upon the completion of Level 2, Link retrieves the second Placeholder of Thingy and is forced to knock himself unconscious in order to facilitate the coming of another hallucinatory vision.
Part III: Dangerous Machinations, or Don't Eat the Yellow Snow
Obviously, at this point, the story development has shriveled into non-existence (as per The Minish Cap standards), so practically no notable events occur between the completion of Level 2 up to Level 5, aside from a magnificent dance-off against Fannon(dorf)'s henchmen at Club 56 in the district capital. In the meantime, Link has also obtained several more items which serve no purpose outside of completing their respective dungeon. However, upon the completion of Level 5, Fannon(dorf) appears as Link exits the dungeons, and steals the Placeholder Objects of Thingy gathered thus far. Link attempts to give chase atop his mighty Harley Davidson bike (won in said dance-off), but is hit by one of Fannon(dorf)'s magical magic balls of Magic and is knocked unconscious yet again, and veers off the mountainous off only to land in the middle of the desert. In the desert, he comes across a band of adventurers who seek the Well of Souls, a.k.a. Level 5. Link steals their rations of bacon, as well as their Mythical Key to the Well of Souls Passed Down Through Generations, and enters the dungeon. However, upon entering the chamber of the boss, he finds the adventurers have beat him to it, despite their lack of the Much-Needed Key, a plot hole was never explained, as the cutscene was removed in order to make room for 99 mini-games starring Tingle. They have already managed to defeat the boss, and upon seeing Link, they recognize him as the one who stole their bacon, and take him aboard their Sand Crawler. Now a prisoner, Link befriends a Texan chef named Billy Bob Joe, and works together with him to escape, but not before stealing his prized Cottage Cheese. Link travels through the air ducts to the bridge, where the band of adventurers are keeping the fifth Placeholder Object of Thingy that they had "stolen" from Link. Upon sitting down to eat his Cottage Cheese, Link unwittingly parks his posterior on the self-destruct button for the Sand Crawler, and just barely manages to escape before it blows up in a gloriously rendered Technicolor explosion. From the wreckage of the Sand Crawler, Link pulls the Texan chef who had miraculously survived, because Everything's Bigger in Texas, particularly tolerance for geo-nuclear explosions.
The two wander through the desert for a time, until they are picked up by the most unlikely character of all: Link's Dark Double, the very personification of all of Link's dark inclinations. They get on very well, and their 20-hour drive to civilization is accompanied by recordings of popular latter-day Medieval bard ensemble, Ye Beatles and plenty of sing-a-longs. However, their journey comes to an end, Dark Link realizes that he is indeed the better half of Link, as he has never stolen anything or knocked anyone out. He feels it is his deserved destiny, not Link's, to restore Goodness to the world. When they make a stop at a gas station, Link is thinking much the same thing as Dark Link does, and promptly locks him up in the gas station's Cleanest Bathroom in Five Counties. Link and Billy Bob Joe steal Dark Link's Dark Truck of Evil Portent and travels onward to civilization. In the town of Gamut, they discover that in the Vacant, Stately Mansion That Is In No Way Level 6 there is being held a museum exhibit; one of said exhibits is reputed to be the sixth Placeholder of Thingy recovered from the West Mansion fire eons ago. Unbeknownst to our two heroes, however, a band of anthropomorphic animal cat burglars from another video game series that nobody cared about, are vying for the treasure as well. They have, in fact, arrived at the Mansion before Link and friend, the game designers desperately hoping you've spent enough time on indispensable sidequests so as to have forgotten their use of this very same plot element just a dungeon earlier.
They make short work of the Mansion's low-quality security measures (a museum exhibition hosted by a Vacant Mansion usually doesn't provide much of any sort of income) and bypass the one guard who was busy playing Solitaire on his laptop. Ever the genre savvy adventurer, Link is forced to wait 25 of your earth-minutes so as to emulate a realistic timeframe for waiting for a heist to finish, and he cannot move or perform any action during this timeframe, as that will restart the cycle. Upon their return, he challenges them to a fight and shatters their sense of self by pointing out their shallow, comical and underdeveloped characterization. They face heroic(?) BSoDs and Link takes the Placeholder Object out from they cold, despondent hands. For good measure, fastening "Kick Me" notes to any character will net Link the only Achievement available for the game, which is for Video Game Cruelty Potential. As Link and Billy Bob Joe leave, they are confronted by Gant, a servant of Fan(n)ondorf who challenges them to a fight over the precious Placeholder Objects of Thingy. Link is on the verge of losing the battle when he has an introspective vision or something in which his predecessors in hero-hood relay to him the tale of perpetual spiral of good vs. evil that dominated their destinies, and that he has to find some way to break the cycle. When he comes to, he finds that his sword is all glowy and stuff and successfully manages to defeat Gant. Impressed at having been beaten by Deus Ex Machina, Gant pledges his allegiance to Link, and both agree Gant is a million times cooler than Vaati. Before they part, Gant informs Link of the seventh Placeholder Object, the vaunted Pen Ultimate, which is found in an "ice world." Link, who was distracted by a flying butterfly at that point, is unsure of whether he said an "ice world" or a "nice world", but Gant leaves before clarifying. Link flips a coin to decide on which place to travel.
Yes, the game has sound, presented in glorious mono for your cancer-inducing pleasure.
The voice acting is provided by Class 6E of the Guelph School for the Mentally Retarded. Negotiations between SkullWarez and the voice cast of EVERY VIDEO GAME ever fell through after they demanded to be paid for the voice acting job. The Guelph School for the Mentally Retarded, whose budget was as thinly-stretched as humanly possible from before, opted to replace Class 6E's annual field trip with a three-week voice recording session. State-of-the-art equipment, including but not limited to a computer microphone from the '90's and Microsoft Sound Recorder, was used throughout the entire sessions to ensure that the quality of the sound would be horrible, effectively masking the inherent retardedness of the mentally retarded childrens' voices. Due to pressure from right-wing fundamentalists and bleeding heart liberals, working in conjunction with the National Secessionist Forces, a time machine was used to travel back in time and change all references to "mental retardation" to "George Bush" in the game's press releases.
The music score for Walrus Gumboot, composed by the world-famous guitar duo Übermude from outta Greenwood, was recorded over a two-year process; some musical themes even predate the original conception of the game. When asked by the press whether or not their score for Walrus Gumboot was just put in at the last minute to please the consumers who were likely to completely ignore the soundtrack and listen to their crappy[citation not needed at all!] Muse music on an mp3 player anyway, they presented the interviewer with money as a bribe. The leitmotifs for Link, Bill and Gant (the game's original villain who will be discarded at the last minute to make way for a horribly convoluted and unneeded appearance by Fan(n)ondorf) were all stolen from popular songs, yet changed with such brilliance to prevent any eventual copyright infringement lawsuits. A recurring sound used in the game's score is an oilbarrel solo, which is played completely random. According to Übermude, these were added to "add a tinge of industrial hysteria which permeates the layers of one's mind, in order to appeal to [the] small, yet influential avant-garde gaming fanbase."
It has not been released. It cannot have any reception.
Despite the game being hailed as "EPIC WIN", many players reject this, stating that the game is not "EPIC WIN", but "EPIC FAIL". Interestingly, every one of these players have met mysterious, sudden deaths. Families unsuccessfully sued the publisher.
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