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Auron Mowinckel Kaizer, Esq.
A cubic interpretation of Auron M. Kaizer, painted by international artiste with single-syllable name
Born	May 19, 1138 Municipal Flat Block 7A, Linear North
Died	August 29, 2007 Cambodia
Resting place	Happy Hills Cemetary
Nationality	Gasmaskian
Other names	Bastard1 Ben I.E.D. Guy
Known for	Being a relatively unhelpful guy
Occupation	Slave o' Consumerism
Title	Kickass Duke
Salary	$170,505
Net worth	£69
Height	6' 8"
Weight	13 metric tons
Term	1985-current
Predecessor	Elvis Presley
Successor	AuronKaizurrrr
Political party	Fascist Conformist Party of Kaizerland
Boards on	Skateboard Flatboard Board out my Skull
Religious stance	Order of the Hammer
Spouse	Emma Taylor-Isherwood
Partner	Dunham Twins
Relatives	Jello Biafra, Dave Davies, Pat O'Connor
Signature	The Colour-Schemin' Man
Website	GANNON-BANNED

AuronKaizer - "GET OUT." TALK - THE LIST - PIT OF RECKONING - SANDBOX - WIDGETS - ToC - SUGGESTIONS Yo yo yo yo, pop a forty and check your Rolex, 'cause we 'bout to crank it up, ice-pick style! This is your host and makeshift village idiot AuronKaizer, or "AK" for short (don't call me "Kaizer" or "Mr. Kaizer"; Mr. Kaizer is my father's name) and I'm here to do stuff. I've been a fan of The Legend of Zelda since...my family (when they had money) bought The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening for the original Game Boy back in '98. Since then, I've bought and played every game (except The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures) and enjoyed them immensely. So, my extensive knowledge coupled with my unparalleled lack of social values and respect, thought I'd try to help this place out a bit. At least, that was my original intent, anyway. But it turned out to be so much more than that. In time, my connections with the California Health Department got me a cushy government position as an administrator of this here site. What do I administrate, exactly? I'd like to think that it's level-headed, calculative and thought-provoking insight, but these are really just a bunch of words I CTRL+C'd and subsequently CTRL+V'd onto this page from some sorta Emancipation Proclamation. Anyway, I try to help out by taking over the system from within. Zeldapedia Über Alles! (Oh yeah, some people may know me from the Final Fantasy Wiki. Oh yeah, the Final Fantasy Wiki sucks.)

MASTER USING IT AND YOU CAN HAVE THIS FAIL.

Funniest. Edits. Ever.

Well, being around here, you come across some funny edits here and there. I'm gonna list those here
lest their ingeniousityness be lost to the tooth of time...or something. Oh, and I don't take
suggestions. I like finding them out on my own.

• No comment needed.
• Goldmember vandalizes ZP on his free time.
• This guy told me to sue Nintendo.
• Public statement on Gorons from the Obama Administration.
• Next month's Featured Article! (As if we ever change those, anyway -.-)
• This makes the notion of articles on the symbolism and morality of Zelda sound like a good idea...not!
• Leaked information about the new Grand Theft Zelda game.
• Yeah, the article is in need of cleanup...we get it already!
• Details on the secret final boss of Ocarina of Time.
• Not really Zelda, but it was so hilarious in context, I couldn't help it.
• The Legend of Zelda: Groundhog Day!
• AK makes an EPIC fail.
• This one always puts a smile on my face.
• Hah!
• Nintendo reveals full details on the events of the Hyrulean Civil War. Unfortunately, it sounds more likely than HoT87's claims.
• Yay for sexism!

Things you may not know, things you may want to know and things you may not want to know

• I have no understanding of the English language, and everything I edit into here is copypasted from somewhere. Even this.
• I have eaten three whole, consecutive pizzas without having to throw up. Consecutively.
• I have been legitimately diagnosed with insanity.
• I think, therefore I am Bruce Campbell.
• I have made a total of 13 failed bash.org submissions and counting.
• My best kill/death ratio in a single round of Counter Strike: Source is 124/2.
• I have come to realize that not even in the face of Armageddon must one ever compromise.
• Ever since I was a kid ya, my dream am to become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds.
• I have come close to perfecting the art of Mind Bullets and am also highly proficient in the serving of rocketsauce.
• I am a partially selective narcissist/self-loather/neither/both/popsicle.
• Me. Me, me, me. Oh, and the best part about being me...there's so many me's! I'm in everyone. I'm that little voice in the back of your mind who tells you to be ashamed of a human race that allows Miley Cyrus to live.
• I had a dream about Angus just the other week. It's not weird. Just random.
• This user not fade away.

Remembrall

• M.B. v P.
• Remembering what in the hellfire and brimstone "M.B. v P." is supposed to mean.
• Back hurts.
• Remembering all the lyrics for "Saturday Night Holocaust" and stop making up my own.
• East block, front row. Fifth seat from the right.
• Get a life.

Makeshift Clipboard and convenient stuff (Props to Triforce!)

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IMAGES
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{{Information
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Or

== Summary ==
The [[Thing]] from ''[[The Legend of Zelda]]''
== Licensing ==
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[[Category:The Legend of Zelda TYPE Images]]

Or 

== Summary ==
The [[Thing]] from ''[[Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]]''
== Licensing ==
{{fairuse}}
[[Category:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link TYPE Images]]



For linking files to pages:

[[File:NAME|link=PAGE]]

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MISC. FORMATTING
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(<u>''GAME''</u>)<br>THING<br>

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INFOBOXES
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{{Infobox Character
|name        = 
|image       = 
|caption     = 
|firstgame   = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
|games       = 
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|homeland    = (<u>''GAME''</u>)<br>THING<br>
|hometown    = (<u>''GAME''</u>)<br>THING<br>
|kindred     = 
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|alt_form_of = 
|age         = 
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{{Infobox Console
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{{Infobox Dungeon
|name      = 
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|game      = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
|item      = 
|mini-boss = 
|boss      = 
}}

{{Infobox Enemy
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|image     = 
|caption   = 
|firstgame = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
|games     = 
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|attack    = 
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|eweapon   = 
|life      = 
|spoils    = 
}}

{{Infobox Event
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}}

{{Infobox Item
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|use       = 
|eagainst  = 
}}

{{Infobox Location
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|country            = (<u>''GAME''</u>)<br>THING<br>
|region             = (<u>''GAME''</u>)<br>THING<br>
|terrain            = 
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|points of interest = 
|people             = 
}}

{{Infobox Mask
|name      = 
|image     = 
|caption   =
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|power     = 
}}

{{Infobox Minigame
|name         = 
|image        = 
|caption      = 
|firstgame    = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
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|prize        = 
|proprietor   = 
}}

{{Infobox Shop
|name        = 
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|firstgame   = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
|games       = 
|location    = 
|wares       = 
|owner       = 
|employees   = 
}}

{{Infobox Song
|name      = 
|sample    = 
|firstgame = ''[[The Legend of Zelda: GAME|GAME]]'' ([[YEAR]])
|games     = 
|learned   = 
|power     = 
}}

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GAMES AND YEARS
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''[[The Legend of Zelda]]'' ([[1987]])
''[[Zelda II: The Adventure of Link|The Adventure of Link]]'' ([[1988]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past|A Link to the Past]]'' ([[1992]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening|Link's Awakening]]'' ([[1993]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time|Ocarina of Time]]'' ([[1998]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask|Majora's Mask]]'' ([[2000]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages|Oracle of Ages]]'' ([[2001]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons|Oracle of Seasons]]'' ([[2001]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords|Four Swords]]'' ([[2002]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker|The Wind Waker]]'' ([[2003]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures|Four Swords Adventures]]'' ([[2004]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap|The Minish Cap]]'' ([[2005]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess|Twilight Princess]]'' ([[2006]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass|Phantom Hourglass]]'' ([[2007]])
''[[The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks|Spirit Tracks]]''

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CATEGORIES
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[[Category:The Legend of Zelda]]
    *-Images
        *-Character Images
        *-Enemy Images
        *-Item Images 
        *-Location Images
    *-bosses
    *-characters
    *-dungeons
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    *-items
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[[Category:Zelda II: The Adventure of Link]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass]]
[[Category:The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks]]

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BOSS VIDEOS
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<div class="thumb tright" style="width:320px;">
<div class="thumbcaption">''This clip was provided by USER at YouTube''</div>
<youtube width="320" height="240">VIDEO CODE</youtube></div>

Currently playing

As re-playing Zelda games again and again can get old, I'll also list non-Zelda games here. Because I said so. Alphabetical order. And yes, before you ask, I am very much a replay gamer.

Recently watched films

Yes, having no job and generally nothing to do, it's no surprise that there are a hell of a lot of movies to watch to occupy one's time. Here's some I've seen recently, and what I think of said films. Bet this list is gonna be pretty exhaustive after a while.

Puppet Master vs. Demonic Toys (4/6)

Sadly, one of the better installments in the Puppet Master series. Huge evil toy corporation led by a spoiled brat does evil stuff, and a descendant of Andre Toulon, the original Puppet Master, fights the evil by being Corey Feldman. Oh yeah, there's also all your favourite puppet pals like Pinead, Jester and Blade, but they couldn't get the original puppets (nor anyone professional enough NOT to make the puppet movements look all crappy) and they're basically invisible. But still, lots of cute, pathetic C-film humor. Feldman still rocks, and whomever played his daughter here is pretty hot. Turns out, the best way to go for the series is to get into more humouristic elements rather than the boring seriousness of many of the other films.

Inglourious Basterds (6/6)

Tarantino delivers once again a masterwork that rises above the rest. This time, a "Tarantino-imagined" rendition of World War II. Brad Pitt plays Jewish-American Tennessee guerilla leader Aldo Raine, who has invaded enemy territory together with his companions, the eponymous "Basterds". As fate would have it, an opportunity to kill the entire Nazi High Command presents itself, when a huge movie premiere is planned to be held in Paris. Tarantino delivers mind-blowing dialogue with subtle nuances, making the occasional bloodshed obsolete. Especially gripping is the character of Hans Landa, a smooth-talking Nazi officer who displays an impressive level of insight as far as the war is concerned. Just pure cinematic pleasure. Bring on the awards right now, please. Chances are there won't be a better film this year. That's a bingo!

Little Children (5/6)

Superior acting in this suburban drama about forbidden love and all that. Does it in a nice, non-cliché fashion that works extremely well. Great acting on the part of Kate Winslet, Patrick Wilson and especially Jackie Earle Haley (Rorschach!) which earned him a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the '07 Oscars. Not that anyone cares about that joke of an award. Interesting, dramatic and thought-provoking. I like this film a lot. S' good.

The Doors (4/6)

Partly truth, partly fiction; all decadent insanity in this film chronicling the history of The Doors, the most influential psychedelic rock band by that name. Val Kilmer is Jim Morrison, a "different" guy preoccupied with things beyond this world as well as the very material things of our world; a fantastic songwriter and a man who was easily misunderstood, a living paradox of sorts. A very honest and unglorified portrait of a very controversial man in the history of music. While it does sometimes drag on for a bit and gets a little uninteresting, it's still a pretty good film. Great performance scenes that feel very realistic, and Val Kilmer's singing, while not precisely Morrison, still works as a good interpretation. Ride the snake, man...

Year One (3/6)

Perfectly decent humor movie from the Judd Apatow side of things. Parody and satire of various religions and religious history; a good premise if there is one. Even though Jack Black is fun as always as the jaunty caveman, most of the jokes feel kind of like a bad take on Monty Python's ingenious Life of Brian and doesn't go out of its way to shock you the way that did either. Aside from some funny bit parts here and there, there really isn't a whole lot of anything memorable about this film. Perfectly decent night's entertainment, as I said.

The Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch (4/6)

Haphazard sequel to one of the greatest mockumentaries of all time, the story of Legendary rock band The Rutles, a fantastic Beatles parody created by Eric Idle. Mostly, this is just surplus material from the first film mixed with new interviews with more or less entertaining musical artists and their relation to The Rutles as well as interview segments from the narrator from the first film, played by Eric Idle. Feels sort of re-hashed, but entertaining anyways. Funny stories from real celebrities with some really hilarious moments. Also, The Rutles' songs are good enough to equal most of The Beatles' catalogue and are used to great effect in the film. Not the greatest sequel in the world, but perfectly decent.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (5/6)

Impressive modern Hollywood story about the strange and wondrous life of a man who ages backwards. Contains Brad Pitt's perhaps greatest acting performance to date, so much that the minor cosmetics and CG used (with staggering results!) to make him appear to be an Octogenarian of a seven-year-old's stature feels completely natural. It's an original, touching tale that has a pretty beautiful message. There's important lessons to be learned from this. Truly one of the best films of the decade.

List of Gods

Being a monolatric kind of guy, I recognize many persons and/or things as things that have risen above the normal filth of the earth and asserted their place as Gods of the Heavens and the Earth. This is a list of these things. If you and your religious stance are offended by this, megabyte me. Oh yeah, this is in no specific order. If you're not on this list, you may or may not suck.

Hardcore Holly

Userboxes This user has power beyond Good and Evil. ??? This user's age is undisclosed. This user is a smokin' hot piece of man meat! lightblue This user's favorite color is lightblue This user eats animals rather than what animals eat. This user's monitor resolution is 1980x1080. This user edits in Widescreen. This user manages the Temple of Courage. This user uses Last.fm under the username Bastard1. This user's favorite season is Spring. This user holds the Triforce of Power. This user is the Sage of Pepsi. This user has actually completed Zelda II! Heaven help him! This user has occasional insomnia but hasn't killed anybody...yet. Spell This user is unsure about how to spell Spell Spell. This user's mortal enemy are Bulbins. This user has faith in the power of Portable Network Graphics. This user is the Walrus. Goo goo g'joob! It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum! But this user is all out of gum. This user makes really crap jokes! Why the Piece of Power represents this? No idea. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons. This user is a fan of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. This user works stiff with rookies. This user is the best there is...no, wait, there isn't enough space. This user is tuning up the band! WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? This user has charisma. This user is the Ice Man! This user hears voices in his head. This user always repeats his last name when he introduces himself. This user is an instant classic. This user totally reeks of awesomeness. We don't allow users like you in the Palace of Wisdom. This user is a man with a plan unemployed. This user knows that Pizza is the Food of the Gods. This user thinks that MTV should get off the air. This user watches the Watchmen. This user likes Heroes despite its inconsistencies. This user thinks Family Guy is freakin' sweet! This user likes shiny things! Coincidentally, this user also likes shiny barrels! GET OUT. This user scratches his chin frequently. If something smells, it's usually this user.

""Partial?" I'm the big shot."

— Hardcore Holly

Seriously, how much more awesome can you get than Hardcore Holly, the most underrated wrestler of all freakin' time? This guy can turn a squash match with a rookie into a five-star classic with only backhand chops and basic moves. Everyone else can just go die. In a world that is reasonable and just (confound those 300 Spartans for not winning that battle against the girl guy a long time ago!) he would be a 300-time WWE/World Champion right now.

Auron

"Hmph. I forgot to set my TiVo to record Spiran Idol."

— Auron

While a fictional character (by the same definition, as is Hardcore Holly...sorta.) Auron from Final Fantasy X has proven that real people are for the most part boring and useless in comparison. The most badass wandering Ronin character since...Rod Serling(?) to ever assert his presence in video gaming. For more information, read this.

Creative Zen Vision:M

"Cousin Cletus! This hurr emm pee three thingy can display nekked picshers and play me some Hank Williams tunes at the same time! Whoa doggies!"

— Cousin Potato Sack Pete

iPod sucks. Yeah, I said it. When it comes to portable multimedia players, nothing can beat the Zen Vision:M, even if newer, more compatible models with more storage come out all the time. It can play music. It can play a very limited amount of videos (however, the most frequently used, like DivX and XviD are suppported). It can display your hot hentai pics. What more could you possibly ask from anything? Watching movies while in bed is man's greatest achievement to date; perhaps even greater than the invention of the pizza.

Helge "Omen" Kaizer

"Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."

— Britney Spears

Forget about your Charlie Mansons, Albert Fishes and John McCains, the creepiest haunt to ever walk the face of the earth is Helge "Omen" Kaizer. A mysterious man clad in a gas-mask that plays haunting melodies on a pump organ, an accordion, a marimba and an inner capsule; your mind may not be able to take it. Nobody knows who the hell he is or why he has come—however, we should all be warned and cry in despair whenever he unleashes his power.

Beer

"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"

— Part 1, Sect. 5 of Nobel Prize winner's essay on beer

Both the cause and solution of World War II, this beverage invented by early Mesopotamians (or Mork from Ork) contains alcohol, a strange substance that makes unattractive people more attractive, tremendously increases your natural balance and enables you to manage to listen to a Fergie song without tearing your eyes out. Those right beside you may not be so lucky. While it is expensive like hell, what the hell else would you spend your money on? High School Musical 3? No. Beer should be offered in school cafeterias everywhere, so as both to boost learning power and automatically making the next day a sick day for whomever should drink too much of it, despite the fact that it is impossible to have too much beer.

Dom DeLuise

"I don't have to listen to this, I'm a God!"

— Dom DeLuise as Tiger

Dom DeLuise is an awesome voice actor, famous for voicing a character in almost every Don Bluth film to date. You know, the crazy old cook who managed to create animated films with a heart and soul, unlike a certain Evil Empire known for performing statutory you-know-what on their original films by creating crappy sequels. Anyway, DeLuise uses practically the same voice every time; somewhat remniscent of a Bronx accent. This leads to many humorous characters like Tiger, the fraidy-cat from the American Tail films and Itchy from the All Dogs Go to Heaven films. Yeah, I watched these when I was a kid, okay? The funny thing, the ones I watched were dubbed to Norwegian so I really didn't get to experience DeLuise's voice acting until I re-watched all the films I watched as a kid as a part of an identity crisis I had a couple of years back. Anyway, to summarize this; Dom DeLuise is a guy who can re-use the same voice each time and come up with the same hilarious results. Awesome.

Sadly, DeLuise passed away on May 5, 2009. His legacy will forever remain in our hearts...and on this page. Have fun in heaven...'cause if Florence Nightingale got in, you oughta be a cert. Rest in peace my man.

Braveheart

"THIS...IS...FREEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!"

— Leonidas Wallace

Never has Godhood been embodied in a film like in Braveheart. Pre-broken down anti-semitic Mel Gibson created a masterpiece with this, mixing rough Feudal Age action with epic scenes and a captivating script, along with some awesome acting performances (note; Sophie Marceau as the foofy French princess is not included in this category) and an inspiring, touching and amazing tale that everyone should be able to, if not relate to, at least appreciate on a base human level. It even manages to do this without a hot chick; imagine what could have happened if there were one. That could create a film so good it would cause a pime taradox. Unfortunately, Braveheart simply stays in the Godhood area and doesn't go above.

Ukulele

"You coo lay lee, I coo lay lee."

— A Guy Named Charles

The Ukulele is like the Session 9 of instruments; it didn't get the credit it deserved, but is still one of the most awesome instruments out there. When played, the Ukulele sounds somewhat like a guitar either tuned way up or with a capo on a very high fret. It does indeed sound awesome. While the Ukulele is often associated with Hawaii and all that, the reason it achieves Godhood is because of the way it has been used by Carmaig de Forest, the world's second most awesome underground Ukelele singer-songwriter. Resembling your average math teacher, Mr. de Forest manages to write songs as captivating as the most touching Tennyson poem (poetry's for geeks) with the help of his good friend, the Ukulele. Just like Jamie Noble; it's small but packs one hell of a punch.

Corn Flakes

Vyvyan: Corn flakes. Corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes, corn flakes!

Rick: Pathetic! It'll never win, Vyvyan!

Vyvyan: Why not?

Rick: It's only nine words.

— The Young Ones

Corn flakes, while very bad for your circulatory system and high in unhealthy content (you know, what the media outlets refer to as "A Gift from Satan Himself") is a damn good way to start one's day. Milk (covered in a future entry) sugar and corn flakes together give you that unhealthy boost of energy in the early mornings that may come back and ruin your sleep, but who cares really? Remember, the moment that you do start caring, it's too late.

Cing

"Umm, I'm supposed to find a quote about Cing? Seriously? I don't wanna."

— Me

Cing is a game company, responsibly for the creation of such Nintendo DS classics as Another Code: Two Memories (known to you US guys as Trace Memory) and Hotel Dusk. The best adventure game company out there today (in a very diminished niche market, mind ye) manage to create games that are engrossing, exciting, innovative and feel like a good use of one's money. Intricate, mysterious stories laden with foreboding as well as some very realistic characters and dialogue makes you fall in love with the game worlds. Hotel Dusk contains some of the best dialogue this guy has ever seen in any game ever. While the gameplay facet of the games is not largely groundbreaking or intensive, it works out rather well, leaving you alone with your brains to solve the puzzles. Cing adventure games are the new Christie novels. Seriously. I want them to make another, right now.

µTorrent

"523,254,120$"

— Approximately the fine I would have to pay should my violations of copyrighted material ever come to light

The Internet is both among Man's greatest creation and his undoing. That's a trip and a half. One of the wonders of the new world, other than the escalating violence, bigotry and hatred, is the Internet, or more specifically, torrents. The ultimate in file sharing, with a half-decent connection, you'll be able to get movies in decent quality for free. Hell, if the film in question sucked, you can just delete it instead of feeling like a jackass for having bought it. Face it, neither the music, gaming nor movie business lose any notable profit if you do it. To make up for the minor loss of revenue, those stupid record label managers and people could allot the creator more money rather than keep 90% to themselves. What we're doing is a favour to the world; and as long as anyone can watch really crappy VHS rips of Are You Afraid of the Dark? while doing it, nobody can really be a loser.

Jigsaw

"Hello, Jeff. I want to play Money Making Game."

— Jigsaw

Now, I'm not going to induct the entire Saw series in here, because quite frankly, the fourth and fifth one were lacking. Oh wait, no, they sucked. May be because the gore is becoming just a tad too...gory? Maybe it's because the actor who's playing the proverbial new bad guy, Hoffman, has absolutely no charisma as an actor? Maybe we can blame it on the boogie? In all seriousness, the films lacked the one thing that made the first three Saw films so insanely good; the antagonist, John Kramer, or as the media propaganda would lead you to believe, Jigsaw.

After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, John Kramer tries to commit suicide by crashing his car. However, he survives, and realizes that his life is a precious thing that must not be wasted. He sees things in a completely new light. He also notices how so many people around him do not appear to appreciate their lives, and he does whatever someone in his situation would do; he decides to test their will to live by putting them in really deadly, disgusting traps based on something in their life. The guy's not even a killer; he gives someone a chance to really change their life, and if they should die, it was because they were too weak to utilize the full potential of the primal survival instinct. This guy knows everything about behavioural science too, and knows how to manipulate anyone into following his bidding. The character would not be as good without the stellar acting of Tobin Bell, who manages to make John Kramer a completely disturbing, yet eerily understandable guy. Needless to say; a God.

FS 540

Yep, a one-time skater, I'm quite a big fan of the Tony Hawk series of video games. My skating career is another story. Anyway, completely unrealistic games that allow you to chain together sick combos, destroy property without being arrested and basically always comes with a pretty cool soundtrack, you've gotta love. However, there's one trick that beats all others; and that would be the FS (Frontside) 540. Technically speaking, it's a frontflip with a 180 degree spin, or something like that. Don't bother me with details kid. However, it looks so completely awesome, and is my favourite way of starting that 5,000,000 point combo. FS 540, revert, manual, Darkslide, Impossible, Darkslide, etc. You all know how it goes. Screw all those gimmicky Star Wars tricks and boring Indy 900 spins; the FS 540 is the coolest (virtual) skate trick of all time.

Jello Biafra

"Whose alter ego is Dinah Shore?"

— Jello Biafra

The frontman of punk rockers Dead Kennedys, Jello Biafra is a certified lunatic and musical prodigy. (Come to think of it, aren't all musical prodigys insane? You know; Michael Jackson, Charlie Manson, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc.) With his weird-ass "vibrato" voice, politically and socially flammatory lyrics and elementary, slick guitar movements, Jello is pretty, err, unique. Here is a man who sees the world, or rather, "modern society" for what it is; a slightly cleaner version of Stone Age, where the ones with the clubs (read: cash) are the ones in charge, keeping the consumerism apes in line. The cold, hard truth; indeed, the very facts of life were never spoken of quite as coolly or truthfully as in songs like "Police Truck", "Holiday in Cambodia" and "Stealing People's Mail". And you know I just stuck in the "cleaner" song titles due to the PG-rating this site's got.

Jello got more or less screwed by his ex-bandmates in the mid-90s, when they sued him for whatever reason and ended up with the rights to the entire back catalogue of the DKs. However, without Jello, the Dead Kennedys and what they once stood for is pretty much dead and buried. And yet, those sell-out bastards still tour to this day, with some other loser in Jello's spot; getting royalties for allowing anything and everything to use DKs' songs in their product. It's a freakin' mockery. Jello may be a crazy guy, but you can't help but sympathize for him in a situation like that.

Cheese

"If God were a food, he would be cheese."

— Cheesus

Throughout the history of Man, there has been one constant; anything can be improved upon the inclusion of cheese, the "edible gold", as it were. Made from a special way of processing milk, cheese is another of the Great Inventions of Man. With a cornucopia of different varieties, ranging from the regular yellow cheese found on your grilled cheese sandwiches to blue cheese from mountain goats of the Himalayas, cheese is one of the world's most diverse food families. Bad for your circulatory system and all that, but who cares? I mean, I'd take a good meal of bread n' cheese over a few more years of living as a pained, decrepit old man who is ignored by his relatives any day.

Sleep

"Saidst the Builder then to the man, "sleepest thou shalt on a daily basis, or stuff might happen.""

— Theorem of the Annexed Codex of the Builder

Whoever you are, whatever you do; everybody needs sleep. And Jesus, does sleep ever rock. Disconnecting your brain and traveling through the deepest reaches of your mind. Cool beans. Also, nice to have a comfy bed to perform the act of sleep in. Sleep is also a time to forget about all the troubles of your life, so you might as well do it as often as you can. Sleep in and that. World War III could start tomorrow, for all we know. So, inna final analysis, sleep does rock a lot. Necessary and good for you. Far out man. Natural high.

Ringo Starr

"I've got blisters on me fingers!"

— Ringo Starr

Everybody knows that Ringo Starr is the greatest Beatle, drummer and guy named Ringo of all time. Like, seriously. It was awful nice of him to let those two no-good Liverpool nuggets Lennon and McCartney publish his songs under their name, only for him to become the secret manipulative mastermind behind the entire thing. Fantastic songwriter and an awesome voice. Also, best humor in the group. Likely to be the final remaining Beatle living...actually, he already is, since Paul already died once already and was replaced by a lookalike. So...badass! Ringo forever, dude.

Guitar Repertoire

The following is a list of songs I know on the guitar. We're talking acoustic guitar here, folks. No electronic stuff. Basically, guitar is a good stress reducer for me...good to have when you have to retire from the overbearing pressure of having absolutely nothing constructive to do. Good stuff. Anyways, only songs I know completely are to be included here. Random riffs and basslines or whatever don't count. Got a bit of a hazy memory, so...what was I talking about again? By the way, did I tell you I play the guitar?

What Zelda Games do I own, and in what order did I play them?

You know you want to know, badly. Well, let me indulge you 'ere sonny.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

Basically, this is the same expression I had on my face when I bought Link's Awakening.

Yep, the Game Boy classic is the first Zelda game I got my grubby hands on. Did I enjoy it? YES. It took me ages to complete it, especially with the Golden Leaf ordeal. At one point, I legitimately became "obsessed" with the game, as parents and relatives noted that I was acting freakishly weird after having FINALLY found the last Golden Leaf. This is the only time I can think of that I lost control of my gaming. I'm ashamed.

2. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Next up was A Link to the Past, which I rented from the nearby SNES rental shop, when it was still possible to rent a game in the land of Norway. This is a dead tradition now, but I believe I rented it for 14 straight weekends before I finished it. Loved it.

3. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

DO WANT

Ocarina of Time was on sale back in '99. It went for 100 kroner a pop (about 20 bucks, not half bad) and I got it from my brother for my birthday. I also bought a used N64 on that birthday. So yeah, I loved it and became like the help phone for my friends who did not have the intellectual fortitude to complete the game on their own that summer. The memories.

4. The Legend of Zelda

What can I say about the original game that hasn't already been said? It's impossible to play without attracting a serious brain hemorrhage. I've never finished it and probably never will. ONE of the dungeons in the game is harder than any game I can think of today, seriously. It's just...ARRGHFHHGHGH!!! Still though, great level design and gameplay system, for its time. With savestates, it's even half enjoyable. But that's only the BS Zelda version I'm talking about here. But freakin' hard, man.

5. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

Okay, so I may have mispoken before. This may not only give you brain hemorrhage, but also possible STDs and infractions of the orbital bone. Just defeating ONE ENEMY is hard in this game. Also, people who introduce themselves as "Error" is not something just any mind can take without potentially cracking to pieces and shattering a person's view of life. I'm sorry...and a bit amazed that the series actually continued after this brainfart, which I seriously hope will at one time be confirmed as non-canonical.

Hmm, after I wrote this, I actually played the game through from start to finish...a rewarding experience, even if I needed "cheats" to do it. It's not all that bad...it's fun when you know you don't have to get a game over every ten minutes. Still, would be nice to have even THE FAINTEST CLUE on where to go next after a temple is finished. It just feels broken. Even with the cheats required to complete it, it's still the worst Zelda game you can get. So yeah, Spirit Tracks may still have a chance.

6. The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

"Man, all of these Ocarina of Time and Twilight Princess fanboys really give me a headache."

Then suddenly, along comes the Masterpiece. Everything that I ever loved about Ocarina of Time is expanded upon and transformed into a being far above the human consciousness, err yes, I do mean that it's one of the best games ever made. A completely unfathomable atmosphere, tension and creepiness just completely suffuses the game. I quote Alex Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange"; "Strange how the colours of the real world seem only real when you viddy them on a screen." Just a goddamn masterpiece, and I don't care how many Final Fantasy VII fanboys stand in my way, I shall strike you down. ...Yeah, loved it.

7. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages

The first Oracle game I got was Oracle of Ages. Possibly the greatest Game Boy Colour game of all time, it features so damn much, both in detail, texture and cookie crunch. While it was definitely light-hearted, it also featured darker moments as well. Not to mention that Veran helps fuel my midriff fetish...OH YEAH, did you need to know that? Well, guess not. Sorry there. All complaints can be send to 1-900-WHO-CARES. Nyuah.

8. The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons

Some moons later, I finally tricked my poor ass parents into buying it for me. While not as good as Oracle of Ages, Seasons definitely packed a punch. A rich, imaginative cheese melt if there ever were one. I don't know, but I think I may be one of the three people on earth (the other two being the late, great James Coburn and Nigel Planer) that liked Ages better than I did Seasons. Yeah, they rejected my first application for a spot in the local loony bin.

9. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Depiction of the average fan of The Wind Waker.

Well, I finally got some cash and decided to buy both a GameCube and The Wind Waker sometime in 2005. While WW along with the Zelda Collector's Edition I got with the GameCube and Twilight Princess were the only games I ever got for the console, I'd say it was worth it. Either way, I was one of the few who didn't feel like Nintendo had gone all soft in the head what with the new cel-shaded graphics and I was quite looking forward to the game. Immediately I was sucked into a pretty cool world, one of the best-developed Zelda game worlds out there. But, the game had one major flaw. SAILING. Hours and hours and hours and hours of never-ending, repetitive sailing. And what with having to change the wind direction every time you wanted to go somewhere, it would be an understatement to say that I grew very annoyed with the game after a while. Nevertheless, the gameplay was tight, the graphics were awesome-looking and the story wasn't bad at all, so that weighed up for the small aggravations. In the end, the good things managed to slightly outweigh the bad things (the sailing if you hadn't guessed) so I was happy with my purchase.

10. The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

Heh, funny, at this point my playage of the games had started to become eerily chronological. Oh well, I got The Minish Cap for me darling old GBA just after its release because a Christmas miracle had happened; one out of the about 1,500,1138 games ever released was released in Europe BEFORE the US and Japan. Crazy, but that's the way it works. The moment I started the game, I was amazed. They managed to cram into this small cartridge a compelling game, with all the best things from the previous portable titles while mixing it up with some of the feel from The Wind Waker and the original Legend of Zelda as well as some new, solid ideas. While the story left me somewhat nonplussed and the game felt way too short in general, it give pretty much everything you could ask for in its short lifespan, including fun mini-games and long sidequests. But in the end, the game would have benefitted greatly both from being more difficult and having a different story. Good game.

11. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Oh yeah, no wonder game sales skyrocketed and popularity soared with scantily clads babes like the Great Fairy pushed as one of the game's defining elements. Oh, and DO WANT.

LINEBECK!

Well, Twilight Princess was the last breath of the GameCube. Having just obtained a rather sizeable sum (for a 17-year old that is!) from the government as scholarship stuff, I thought I'd go crazy and end up in a possibly financially liable situation by going out and buying the game. I also bought a Nintendo DS Lite together with it for whatever reason. I decided to take a couple of days off of school and just stay home eating Pizza and playing the game. Aaah...Talk about your Wonder Years...Kevin Arnold has nothing on me!

But I've got to say, there was just something missing about the game first time I played it. The graphics were fabulous and the gameplay was smooth, but to this day there was just something that didn't feel right. Maybe it was due to the featureless and droll game world that couldn't hold half a candle to the Hyrule presented in Ocarina of Time? Maybe it was because of the confusing plot? Maybe it was due to the fact that there is too little Ilia hentai, even on rule34? God only knows. While I did enjoy the gameplay and aforementioned graphics, when I finished it, there was this sour taste left in my mouth. Too many new ideas that didn't work out well. So I left feeling disappointed. However...during my second playthrough in the year 2008, that something seemed gone and I was able to fully enjoy each and every aspect of the game. It went from bottom of the Zelda rung to a respectable fourth or fifth place. I can't really explain it...but rest assured when I say that Twilight Princess is a great game, but in no shape, size or amount of hentai is it better than Majora's Mask or Ocarina of Time. And I'm not just sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

12. The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass

I bought Phantom Hourglass on a day I didn't feel like going to school; rather, I went to the local city by myself and happened upon a GameStop shop, where they sold this game for half the recommended retailer price. Of course, I'd completely forgotten about there being a new Zelda game for the DS and had to give in to my consumerism needs and buy it. I also skipped the subsequent day's schoolin' to actually play the game. Some things are just more important than being bored to death by information you'll most likely forgot in half a year anyway, such as playing a newly purchased Nintendo DS game.

At once, I was impressed by the graphics; I mean, this IS the DS after all, with worse anisotropic filtering and anti-aliasing than an Amiga. Okay, so maybe not, but you know what I mean. They looked exactly like the stylish cartoonish graphics from The Wind Waker, with some minor "downgrades" here and there. I was surprised. As for the game itself, while I didn't really care all that much for the story or the villain, it was a fun trip with many cool Nintendo DS gameplay features and generally, controlling Link was fun. They even managed to automatize (is that a word? I say it is. You say different, and yousa fried.) that dreadful sailing part that was a major hassle in The Wind Waker.

It was a pretty easy game, though, and I managed to finish it within three to four days. In short, it's a fun, player-friendly game, but it was lacking in several areas that I find to be crucial parts of the identity of a Zelda game. Fun, but naive.

Superlatables

It's the world famous, from the source of the fad itself, the original AuronKaizer Superlatables, now featured on the Zeldapedia! You know how these work right? If not, your loss.

General

Majora's Mask wins in all the greatest categories...yeehaw! In your face all you TP-worshipping neophytes!

My high school sweetheart.

Characters

Dungeons