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"It has been... long enough." Henceforth, I will no longer be an active part of this wiki. I have moved on to bigger and better things in my life. There have been ups and there have been downs, but when it's all said and done I'm proud of what I... no, what we have done to make this wiki the very best it could be. The good times, they were good. Zeldapedia may to see another glorious day, or it may further languish in obscurity; I no longer care. My part in this story is over.
This page shall remain as a testament to my awesomeness, and probably the only thing I can see myself editing here again. I ask that you do not contact me about irrelevant wiki matters as you will not receive a reply. If you want to talk to me about, like, something cool and stuff, those who have earned the knowledge will know where to find me. Allies and adversaries both have taught me valuable lessons for the path that lies ahead. Well, I gotta chase that there rainbow, kids. "This is your world now."
Auron Mowinckel Kaizer, Esq.
A cubic interpretation of Auron M. Kaizer, painted by international artiste with single-syllable name
May 19, 1138 Municipal Flat Block 7a, Linear North, Dystopian Future Fascist Totalitarianist England Envisioned in 1971
August 29, 2007 Saigon, Iwo Jima, Cambodia
Happy Hills Cemetary
Bastard1 Ben I.E.D. Guy Cabadath The Arrogant Man The Tall Man The Prince Ringo
Being a relatively unhelpful guy
Slave o' Consumerism
The One Who Walks Behind the Rows
13 metric tons
Fascist Conformist Party of Kaizerland
Skateboard Flatboard Board out my Skull The Great Ship Lollipop
Yo yo yo yo, pop a forty and check your Rolex, 'cause we 'bout to crank it up, ice-pick style! This is your host and makeshift village idiot AuronKaizer, or "AK" for short (don't call me "Kaizer" or "Mr. Kaizer"; Mr. Kaizer is my father's name) and I'm here to do stuff. I've been a fan of The Legend of Zelda since... my family (when they had money) bought The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening for the original Game Boy back in '98. Since then, I've bought and played every game (except The Legend of Zelda: Four Swords Adventures) and enjoyed them immensely. So, my extensive knowledge coupled with my unparalleled lack of social values and respect, thought I'd try to help this place out a bit. At least, that was my original intention, anyway. But it turned out to be so much more than that.
In time, my connections with the California Health Department got me a cushy government position as an administrator of this here site. What do I administrate, exactly? I'd like to think that it's level-headed, calculative and thought-provoking insight, but these are really just a bunch of words I CTRL+C'd and subsequently CTRL+V'd onto this page from some sorta Emancipation Proclamation. Anyway, I try to help out by taking over the system from within. Zeldapedia Über Alles!
(Oh yeah, some people may know me from the Final Fantasy Wiki. Oh yeah, the Final Fantasy Wiki sucks.)
Well, being around here, you come across some funny edits here and there. I'm gonna list those here
lest their ingeniousityness be lost to the tooth of time...or something. Oh, and I don't take
suggestions. I like finding them out on my own. Obviously, I won't include many of my own
as this would make this section very lengthy.
Aesop Amnesia: In the unlikely event that he apologizes for something, he will likely have forgotten his lesson before long.
Alternative Character Interpretation: Severely self-assured, confident and sarcastic Jerk Sue, or a sad, broken person who has gone his entire life plagued by psychological and physical disorders, in effect causing severe psychological complexes that have rendered him dangerously anti-social and potentially offensive?
...And That Little Girl Was Me: Those stories you always hear about shadow puppet governments involved in all major financial disasters in history? No shadow puppets, only one of the many incarnations of AK getting bored on a Saturday morning.
Angrish: Goes hand in hand with the Berserk Button.
Arch Enemy: They call him "The Man of 9,001 Enemies", but first and foremost is Glee and its ilk.
Bad Ass: There's a reason Jack the Ripper's identity was never revealed. He was served as the afternoon special in Mrs. Lovett's Pie Shop in Fleet Street after happening upon AuronKaizer subsequent to the fifth canonical murder.
Cloud Cuckoolander: Most efficaciously so, do you want lies with that Mr. Von Caterwaul? Friday garters ain't for me, only a club sandwich will save a dead man from drowning in air. My great-unclefather always used to say, "nothing." Now, deerstalker's my where? And it was such a good napcakes from nosehair.
Completely Missing the Point: A direct result of his mind's inability to concentrate (most of the time) is his tendency to invoke tropes based on name alone without comprehending the context in which it should be used as detailed in a trope's entry page.
Crazy Awesome: He ate bacon before it was cool! In fact, he may even have created bacon.
Epic Rocking: Whenever there's a guitar (plastic or otherwise) around.
Love It Or Hate It: His opinion on most things, though anything that elicits a neutral response is typically considered worse than either to him.
Arguably, this applies to AK himself, as there are some unfortunate people with severe mental blocks and issues who just cannot handle His Awesomeness, and put up mental defenses to shield themselves. AK views these people with no small amount of non-condescending pity, and hope they will one day realize the glorious truth.
Mad Bomber: More like water balloon bombs, but yeah.
Manly Tears: Tears will be shed if a gripping story is afoot. And he will look the epitome of Man while doing so.
Rockers Smash Guitars: Finished off a toy one his Neph had already partially broken, and sat on another by accident.
On a sadder note, his beloved Höfner Violin bass for The Beatles: Rock Band suddenly and out of nowhere and certainly not as a result of any mishap he may or may not have had, one day gave up and decided it didn't want its red and green fret buttons to work anymore...
Self-Made Man: Makes his own userboxes, Paint Shop Pro images, and similar things his own with several modifications. Using something someone else made without a personal tweak is damn near unacceptable.
Self Shipper: Abhors shipping of any kind but this. Is on record with having said that people "...who ship characters who are not [themselves] have severe real-life commitment and relationship issues."
This is racially insensitive and unfunny stop-motion character Thurgood Stubbs. As the supervisor of this trope entry section, he will ensure future updates.
AK's Very Fine, Very Objective, & Very Loquacious Reviews of Motion Pictures He Has Experienced
""The movie will begin in five moments," the mindless voice announced. All those unseated will await the next show. We filed slowly, languidly into the hall. The auditorium was vast and silent. As we seated and were darkened, the voice continued, "The program for this evening is not new. You've seen this entertainment through and through. You've seen your birth, your life and death. You might recall all the rest. Did you have a good world when you died? Enough to base a movie on?""
Yes, having generally nothing to do, it's no surprise that there are a hell of a lot of movies to watch to occupy one's time. Here's some I've seen over time, and what I think of said films. A bunch of old reviews have been removed to prevent the page from being too long. Rather than creating an archive (I don't approve of archives of userpages much) you can just check the history if you're interested. The reviews are written in order of viewage, the earliest is from around 2008 if I'm not mistaken.
The Doors (4/6)
Partly truth, partly fiction; all decadent insanity in this film chronicling the history of The Doors, the most influential psychedelic rock band by that name. Val Kilmer is Jim Morrison, a "different" guy preoccupied with things beyond this world as well as the very material things of our world; a fantastic songwriter and a man who was easily misunderstood, a living paradox of sorts. A very honest and unglorified portrait of a very controversial man in the history of music. While it does sometimes drag on for a bit and gets a little uninteresting, it's still a pretty good film. Great performance scenes that feel very realistic, and Val Kilmer's singing, while not precisely Morrison, still works as a good interpretation. Ride the snake, man...
The Rutles 2: Can't Buy Me Lunch (4/6)
Haphazard sequel to one of the greatest mockumentaries of all time, the story of Legendary rock band The Rutles, a fantastic Beatles parody created by Eric Idle. Mostly, this is just surplus material from the first film mixed with new interviews with more or less entertaining musical artists and their relation to The Rutles as well as interview segments from the narrator from the first film, played by Eric Idle. Feels sort of re-hashed, but entertaining anyways. Funny stories from real celebrities with some really hilarious moments. Also, The Rutles' songs are good enough to equal most of The Beatles' catalogue and are used to great effect in the film. Not the greatest sequel in the world, but perfectly decent.
Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam & Burt (3/6)
Half-hearted spoof movie starring Adam West and Burt Ward, who played Batman and Robin in the quite cheesy 60s Batman TV series. The humor is so-and-so, dealing with West and Ward's partly fictional stories from the time of the show. The best laughs are provided by the actors who portray the original Batman series actors, such as Frank Gorshin (The Riddler), Burgess Meredith (The Penguin) and Julie Newmar (Catwoman) while West and Ward pull off some stuff that isn't that funny. Decently funny nostalgic piece on a time when the level of subtlety in television was at an all-time low...until now, that is >.>
Heartfelt but partly uninteresting Irish film about a down-on-his-luck musician trying to make it to the big time. Along the way he meets a Czech-born girl and they eventually develop a relationship, that for some reason doesn't turn into a typical cliché love story. While it does sometimes offer a refreshing change from typical sappy love stories, most of the film consists of long musical sequences that drag on for too long, and whose music isn't all that spectacular to begin with. It's clear that whoever made the film lacks an understanding of pacing. Might have a better appeal to people who dig that kind of indie music, but it wasn't anything for me.
Spectacular romantic/psychological thriller starring Angus Macfadyen, who plays Jonathan Dennison, a somewhat boring, if loving psychologist who has lucked out with Rachel, a younger girl who loves him. However, things get complicated when his wife finds out she has been cheating on him with his identical, deeply disturbed doppelganger (also played by Macfadyen, if you hadn't guessed already) whom she had believed to be her husband living out some kind of weird fantasy. After being rejected, the doppelganger begins insinuating himself into their lives and eventually tries to take Jonathan's place. Many great moments of suspense, some unforeseen plot twists and some pretty damn good acting on the part of Angus, who carries the entire film on his back, playing both a slightly dull and a psychotic character, switching flawlessly between the two. Great, original piece of cine if I ever saw one.
Bubba Ho-Tep (4/6)
Weird but funny and original horror movie featuring Bruce Campbell as The King. Yep, that's right, the basic premise of the film is that Elvis Presley, tired of his fame, got an Elvis impersonator to switch places with him. However, after injuring his hip while performing as his own impersonator, he is sent to a hospital haunted by an ancient Egyptian mummy spirit (the eponymous "Bubba Ho-Tep") who eats souls. Together with his friend, a black guy who believes himself to be John F. Kennedy, they battle the evil mummy. Some original and funny ideas with a great performance by Bruce as the broken-down crusty King of Rock 'n' Roll. But still, in the end, the way the movie unfolds is too typical and predictable for it to truly shine.
Cool World (2/6)
A true mess of a film, this animation/real world production by the legendary Ralph Bakshi is a...mess. Set partly in an animation world known as the "Cool World" and the real world, which exist side-by-side, it's basically just host to a bunch of annoying, gratuitous and random cartoon characters. Brad Pitt, who plays a police officer who oversees that inhabitants of the two worlds stay in their own world, is a decent enough actor in this (admittedly, he didn't really become a good actor until 1999) but Kim Basinger's portrayal (both in cartoon (read: doodle) and real (read: noid) form) as a vicious, almost-sexy femme fatala is so campy that it doesn't kill the movie's entertainment value completely. But aside from that, Jesus, I don't know what to say. It feels like some kind of kid's incomprehensible and random (albeit a very dirty and disturbed kid) idea for a film. The killer of Bakshi's legacy, but not all the blame should be placed on him; the director secretly had the script rewritten without his knowledge. The film has some slick animation and set pieces, but overall the film is 1% substance and 99% style.
Dirty Harry (5/6)
In a San Francisco driven mad, "Dirty" Harry Callahan is the man with the answers...and a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world. And in all the excitement of this action/thriller, he forgot whether or not he fired five or six shots. So the question you should ask yourself is..."Do I feel lucky?" Well, do ya, punk? Clint Eastwood's most famous role of all time (although perhaps second to "The Man With No Name", depending on who you ask) as the tough-as-nails cop who doesn't always stay within the law to fight crime and evil-doers is the centerpiece of this brilliant classic, but the suspenseful story of a one-man battle against a sick, depraved murdered/kidnapper is fraught with many great scenes and a lot of awesome ironic dialogue as well as an honest indictment of the faults of the American legal system. Awesome cine all the way. Made my day.
Nearly equal parts style and substance make an awesome team in what is bound to become a masterpiece of the 'oughts. A paraplegic human marine by the name of Jake Sully is given his deceased brother's spot in a command unit whose purpose is to obtain resources from the planet Pandora; however, the native people, the Na'vi (no relation to a certain annoying fairy) who live in harmony with nature, fight them at every turn. After being given a manufactured Na'vi body that he controls and having made a deal with a scrupulous commander to lure the Na'vi away from precious resources, he is saved from an animal attack by a female Na'vi and after living among them, he ascends to the same level of natural perception they do and begins to grow distant from the human race. However, the inevitable happens and the planet is attacked by human industrialism, and now the Na'vi must fight the humans. James Cameron returns with a hell of a film, laden with loads of symbolism. It's not like the story of a tribe's fight for survival hasn't been done before, but the eye-popping visuals, as well as a steady grasp of modern filmography, gripping presentation as well as some great performances make this truly one of those films.
The Lovely Bones (4/6)
Gripping and imaginative adaptation of a book by the same name about, about a young girl who is murdered by depraved loner. When the young girl dies, she goes to a kind of purgatory where she can do everything she can imagine until she is ready to pass on. The film shows the problems caused when you are unable to let go of a loved one. A very dark, yet hopeful film with one of the creepiest "villains" seen on film in a long time — the psychopathic killer next door is portrayed to perfection by underrated actor Stanley Tucci. Even Mark Wahlberg, who makes up for the insipid crap that was the film adaptation, Max Payne, does perhaps his best role ever as the loving father of the murdered girl. However, the movie's occasional pacing problems, to the point of confusing people into thinking the movie is over as well as a weird twist ending sort of makes the movie unable to break through a certain glass ceiling. When it's good though, The Lovely Bones is a fantastic film with an original and thought-provoking story.
Pixar do what they do best and create another masterpiece of animation — maybe a masterpiece of cinema altogether — with this hilarious, witty, intelligent, exciting and touching piece of ingeniuity on par with the best of Disney's 2D animation classics. It's hard to put in writing. In fact, I'm unsure about whether or not I can actually do it. I'll just stop here and say it's one of my most favourite films of all time. That is all.
Funny People (5/6)
The title couldn't be more right if it tried; this fantastic film shows us a new and interesting perspective on both humor and people. George Simmons (perhaps the best piece of work Adam Sandler has ever clocked in) is a disillusioned comedian who, after being diagnosed with a terminal illness, takes the inimatable and amiable everyman up-and-coming-comedian (Seth Rogen in the kind of role we typically see him in, only played to perfection here) under his wing and makes him his mentor. Along the way there are cool celebrity cameos, valuable lessons on life and learning and some of the most hilarious lines this side of The Tracks. Funny, compelling and complex, Funny People may just be the epitome of the kind of raucous comedy Apatow has become famous, which is enough entertainment value in and of itself, but it also has a much more serious core and a more apparent set of lessons to learn. Truly awesome.
Bottle Rocket (3/6)
Wes Anderson's directorial debut is a little shaky and uneven, but still has some good, memorable moments. Luke and Owen Wilson, along with this other guy nobody knows, play a trio of friends who have devised a "75-year plan" to live a life of wealth and luxury by picking off small businesses and robbing their own houses. When the group disbands after the third guy in their group leaves to help his bully of a brother, they decide to quit their small-time burglar act and assume regular jobs; that is, until their leader comes up with one last heist. Anderson's unique brand of humor doesn't shine as well as in his other films here, but is still hilarious in parts. However, the movie is hampered by an erratic and somewhat confusing plot which really spins out of control during the second half of the film. Inconsistent, but fun at times, and quite possibly Luke Wilson's finest moment — he never had as many as his brother Owen, whose portrayal of Dignan, the wacky leader of the group who has a fondness for fireworks, is the true star here.
Up in the Air (4/6)
Not to be confused with the other movie with a similar title, this is a cleverly-written, well-acted and poignant piece of cinema. Up in the Air deals with a man (the second most charismatic man after Steve Blackman: GEORGE CLOONEY!!!) who works as a traveling man who fires people, the proper term for which escapes me. He is happy living a life as a free man, his mind often on his impending record-breaking number of frequent flier miles. However, when a plan to automatize his job comes along, severely shortening the need for him to be on the road, he has a hard time adjusting. However, he learns to reconnect with his family and even falls in love, in a pretty non-cliché'd romance that has no happy Hollywood ending. Clooney fits the part like a glove, and other characters also impress. Smart and realistic stuff.
Dorian Gray (4/6)
The classic tale of a young man who inexplicably halts his own aging process is brought to film in a big way. Young Dorian Gray arrives in London to move into his inherited family manse, and after befriending an elderly gentleman whose sarcastic wit and whose idea of a happy life is youth and sex and all that becomes an inspiration of sorts, Mr. Gray's soul is infused into a picture (painting, really, but just to refer to the original work) and he becomes an unchanging slave of hedonistic desire and whatnot; it doesn't end well for anyone involved. The best acting I've ever seen from Colin Firth and a good job from the main guy who plays Gray, Oscar Wilde's story is as disturbing as ever. Drags on in places but overall a good adaptation and film.
Convincing graphical design, but failure at presenting a consistent story hampers this animated film. "9" is a living puppet, the ninth in a series of small puppets created to perpetuate life after the complete destruction of the earth and the human race by their own machines. 9 joins up with the other puppets, who struggle to stay alive; a fearsome creature known as "The Beast" hunts them night and day. Accidentally, 9 triggers the coming of a much bigger evil, and the puppets work together to stop the final threat and try and maintain life. An interesting concept, but done with minimal dialogue (and the little that there is doesn't exactly stick to the mind) and a plot that moves way too fast, it fails to have a lasting impression. Additionally, there is way too much focus placed on the audio part of the film; constantly noisy and active, it becomes aggravating after a while. Unfortunately, 9 buckles under pressure and becomes a forgettable affair. Can't give it a score of nine out of ten, though I'd certainly like to.
The Brave Little Toaster (6/6)
Old-school animation masterpiece that both entices and frightens, regardless of age. A band of inexplicably talking appliances — Toaster, our noble hero of a toaster; Blanky, the young, worrying electric blanket; Lampy the wise-cracking lamp; Kirby, the sarcastic vacuum cleaner and Radio, a hilarious radio who always tunes into frequencies of hilarity with weird historical references — have been left behind by their Master. After waiting many long years for the return of their Master, the appliances decide to travel out into the outside world and find their Master. Along the way, the appliances learn to work as a team, and many laughs and strangely poignant moments abound, and in the end they reunite with their Master. In addition to featuring a sometimes very dark undertone (featuring a nightmarish dream scene with a firefighter clown) it is well animated, cleverly written and captivating. Additionally, the voice talents also help make the movie; Deanna Oliver's performance as Toaster is easily likable as you would expect from a cartoon protagonist, but doesn't become too cartoony and retains an element of realism. The legendary Jon Lovitz provide 90% of the laughs as Radio, and a short but oh-so-sweet appearance by Phil Hartman (God rest his soul) raise the movie to another level. The story may have been done before, but this is about the best variation of the "different individuals on a strange journey" films I've ever seen.
The Jerk (5/6)
Old-school comedy classic detailing the life of Navin R. Johnson, a simple-minded white fella who was raised by a black family in Mississippi. Upon hearing some easy listening music on the radio, Navin decides to go out into the world and make his fortune. Along the way, he becomes a gas station attendant who is hunted by a psychotic killer who randomly picked his name out of the phone book; a carnie who finds his "special purpose" with a scary stunt biker chick, and accidentally invents a new kind of spectacle rim that keeps the glasses on one's head at all times. He eventually meets the girl of his dreams and becomes rich due to his invention, but due to unforeseen circumstances, he loses all the money via a class-action suit. But in the end, it all works out. Steve Martin is at the top of his game as the lovable, goofy Navin, and his character's relationship with the cosmetologist (not the space kind) played by Bernadette Peters is one of great romances in film. In addition to this, the good-natured and somehow wildly insightful jokes are delivered without any hidden agendas; it's just good, well-acted, well-produced, well-written fun at its best.
Bob Roberts (4/6)
The multifaceted Tim Robbins at his best, playing a charismatic, conservative musician taking politic America by storm with his overly patriotic lyrics and gaining the people's support. Great send-up of the American voting system as well as politics, presented in mockumentary style. While ridiculous, some of the themes explored through the songs of Bob Roberts aren't as far from reality as you wish it were. Some random and cool special guest appearances, including Alan Rickman as Roberts' mysterious financial backer and Jack Black as an obsessed fan/groupie. While nothing revelatory, it's fun, interesting and thought-provoking all the same.
Event Horizon (3/6)
Effective, if sometimes over-the-top science fiction horror film; its main point of notability being that it served as inspiration for a certain game in a certain series regarding Chzo. A crew of able space-sailing types are sent out into space to ascertain the fate of the Event Horizon, a huge star cruiser sent on a secret mission to test a new generator that allows one to subvert time and space in order to transport oneself between two distances in a short amount of time. The crewmen have their different personalities and all that. However, aboard the ship, they find that all the crew of the Event Horizon have been slaughtered, and that the space-time-bending invention transported the ship to Hell and made it come alive. Horrible murders and neck-breaking situations aplenty, what could easily be taken as another cliched Alien ripoff turns out to be quite an alright film thanks to some well-written and -acted characters; for instance, Laurence Fishburne (Morpheus!) who plays the Bad Ass Captain manages to pull off his seemingly stereotypical role with a likable human side. The perennially awesome Sam Neill plays the nerd-inventor turned murderer in this quite well. However, in the end, some parts could have been expanded upon, and too much of the time is spent on the typical gore and whatnot.
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story (4/6)
Part parody of the Johnny Cash biopic Walk the Line and the musical biopic genre as a whole, this is the story of Dewey Cox, a talented(?) musician and lyricists who goes through various phases of his life and career, like peoples do in biopic. John C. Reilly is consistently a stable main feature here; he's typically not the kind of guy you'd care to see playing a main character in any film, but his goofy, megalomaniacal, occasionally egotistical Cox is a dynamic character whom you begin caring about. The songs are all great takes on the occasionally hackneyed and stilted form country music sadly takes a lot of the time, and the different periods of his career (singles, breakthrough, experimental phase, drug breakdown and return) are shout-outs to lots of other films. Some of the most funny and enjoyable parts of the film are the many celebrity cameos and appearances from historical characters; of course, highlighted by a legendary five minutes in which a hysterical parody of The Beatles (both in human and "trippy cartoon" form) with Jack Black as Paul McCartney and some other guys as the others. Not screenwriter Judd Apatow's (who we've discussed before) finest moment of writing, the comedy being based around comedic situations rather than good lines, but it's good enough.
The Plague Dogs (4/6)
Dark and bleak animation film regarding the journey of two dogs' escape from an animal testing lab and their subsequent attempts to stay alive in a hostile environment. Depressing and disillusioning as hell, the testing lab from which they make their escape is presented as an Auschwitz-like hellhole, which sadly may not be that far from the reality; after all, this is no fantasy tale, not really. Unbeknownst to the dogs, they have been made test subjects for a plague concocted at the lab, causing them to hire the nearby villagers to hunt them down and prevent them from infecting anybody — without informing them on the seriousness of the situation, naturally. The end of the dogs, an event which always remains so damn certain in one's mind, is surreal and oddly unsettling; cornered by the humans, they attempt to swim to "an island" where they can live without fear. A hostile, unaccommodating and downright nasty art style serves to make the film, which already effectively presents the fragile balance between life and death animals constantly find themselves caught in, ever the more disconcerting. It occasionally suffers from a fickle grasp of pacing, but its visceral, uncompromising storytelling remains with you afterwards.
Mary and Max (5/6)
Original, quirky and hard to describe, Mary and Max is one of those films that come way out of left field; and that's a good thing. Mary is a homely young Australian girl who becomes pen pals with the aging American jew Max Horowitz. Both of them troubled by real life, they grow a true bond of friendship as they share info about their everyday lives. A truly original, endearing and sometimes insanely absurd, diverse and insightful sense of humor pervades the entire thing, which combined with the great voice acting (Philip Seymour Hoffman is, as per usual, a God as the "Aspies"-afflicted Max) and surprisngly rich and detailed animation, especially considering the animation style is old-school claymation. A good, funny and sometimes sad story made with great craftsmanship.
The Orphanage (3/6)
Somewhat successful, yet forgettable Spanish (?) horror/thriller film. Some hot Spanish (?) tamale plays the mother in a family who moves into an old orphanage. Naturally, her son goes missing and she goes on a desperate search to find him, despite looking insane to everyone. Sound familiar? Anyway, the plot can't be taken too much into account with films like this. Suffice it to say, it has a reasonably creepy setting, good atmosphere and filmography and some scary/creepy scenes. The twist (?) ending is done in a refreshing and unusual. In the end, it's decent entertainment but that's basically it.
Drop Dead Fred (3/6)
Bit of a forgettable and occasionally annoyingly bad film, Drop Dead Fred still occasionally has great moments of comedy and a surprisingly deep and heartfelt ending. Phoebe Cates (we miss you!) plays a young woman who has the worst day of her life: her boyfriend reveals that she is cheating on her, she gets fired from her job, her car gets towed away and she is forced to live with her pushy, dominant mother. Rummaging through the closet, she finds a small chest which when opened, released Drop Dead Fred, an imaginary (or is he?) friend from her childhood. Drop Dead Fred (played by future God Rik Mayall, using his patented "insane childish person" character to great extent) is loud, hyperactive, and destructive, allowing Cates a chance to take revenge on those whom had failed her. Needless to say, she grows to have faith in herself and learns not to need Drop Dead Fred anymore, and goes on to live her life with a nice guy she knew as a kid. Nothing hugely revolutionary here as far as cinematography or writing is concerned, but some good acting and some cool scenes make this just memorable enough. Heck, it's good enough to watch on a pizza night.
How to Get Ahead in Advertising (4/6)
Richard E. Grant is a dynamic performer in this surreal black comedy, regarding an advertising spokesman who has a creative block while creating a campaign for a boil remover. This consumes him to the point that he loses faith in the cut-throat business in which he has worked and gradually loses his sanity as well, which eventually causes himself to have a boil. Get this, the boil turns out to be an embodiment of another side of his personality... or something. The boil gradually grows into a head (get its connection to the title? Good on you!) which eventually ends up replacing his regular head. The newly dominant personality is forceful, ruthless, sexually obsessed, which eventually drives his wife away, finally allowing him to Get Ahead in Advertising, there being nothing holding him back anymore. Loads of absurdist, vulgar black humor backs up this strange, original tale. Naturally, the highlight of the movie (as previously referred to) is Richard E. Grant who manages to play both an almost-sympathetic character, the same character going through phases of insanity (Grant gets the look JUST RIGHT! That's good acting!) and again as the insanely depraved, intelligent version the character ends up becoming. Aside from the surreal plot, it also paints a disturbingly accurate (?) portrait of the advertising industry; Grant's cynical opening monologue is the epitome of the film.
The Majestic (6/6)
Well-acted, atmospheric, well-written Capra-esque tribute to the power of cinema as well as a Cold War/Blacklisting piece, Jim Carrey proves everyone wrong by delivering a powerful, believable and sympathetic of a portrayal of a Peter Appleton, a blacklisted screenwriter who loses his memory, has a car accident and awakens, amnesia-ridden in a small US town. Being identical in appearance to one of the men from the small town who was thought lost in war, he brings back happiness, hope and promise to the townspeople, who mistake him for the war hero. He lives a new, happy life in the small town with his "father" and love interest, however, the past soon comes back to haunt him when the FBI arrives. He is brought in front of the House Un-American Activities Committee, where he is given a choice to compromise. It really is hard to explain how good this film is, but there's just something, like the essence of film or likewise, that permeates the entire thing. A gripping and touching story combined with some great acting, especially on the part of Carry who really proves himself here, makes for one fantastic film. Often misconstrued as being overly sappy, this feels like one of those old 50's films. Wonderful. Not something you see a whole lot these days.
Hudson Hawk (3/6)
Insane, nonsensical and downright weird, Bruce Willis regrets ever being a part of this huge flop, which for some reason was promoted as being a Die Hard-esque action film, while being in truth insane, nonsensical and downright weird. Brucie is the Hudson Hawk, some kind of weird cat burglar who uses famous show numbers to time and plan his heists. He ends up in some ridiculously contrived plot about secret government agencies, the Vatican and a gold machine invented by Leonardo Da Vinci. The film revels reluctantly in its cheesiness, featuring a bunch of ludicrous one-liners, some relatively ingenious situations and a very inimitable sense of humor. Its best upside is the many cool characters, such as James Coburn as a strange former FBI guy, David Caruso as Kit Kat, a strange guy who has an appropriate fortune cookie-esque card for every situation, and Richard E. Grant as the over-the-top aristocrat-turned-world-overtaker primary villain (although, arguably not). The humor is partly endearing, partly off-putting and weird and in the end, its cliché'd plot and total lack of sensical direction makes it a muddle, albeit one that is more enjoyable than most.
It is not often I can say this, but every now and then a movie comes along which is such a waste of time, you start thinking about things that would be a better usage of your time on this earth. Editing Ghosts Wikia, for example... oh, wait, not. But still, Heartbeeps sucks a big chocolate cigar. Failing every step of the way with creating a likeable romantic relationship between two robots, all the jokes are about Earth relationships, only rendered in Robot form. Hilarious... for about one or two jokes. Sadly, 90% of the "film" consists of that exact same joke routine about robot love making robot's pleasure centers malfunction and whatnot. Really bad stuff. The robots go on a crazy trip and nothing exciting, entertaining or non-boring happens. The jokes spewed by the stand-up comedian robot, which are meant to be the "unfunny" jokes are actually marginally more entertaining. Andy Kaufman's a genius of a song-and-dance man, but this movie sucks so bad, I would have it written of my resume post-humously were I him. It's not so much that any of the actors are bad, but the film lacks in vital story areas, making the rest damn near unwatchable. I'd rather watch Once again. Do not see this unless you wanna die.
A Hard Day's Night (6/6)
Beatlemania comes to the cine with this timeless document of awesomeness. Those four Liverpool lads, Gingo, Pohn, Reorge and Jaul, muck about with inside jokes that nobody gets but are still freakin' hilarious, ice cool treatment of interviewers, and some great hot smokin' lip-syncing action to some of the greatest songs ever written. The film encapsulates everything that was (and still is) cool about The Beatles. Plot-wise, it's a lightweight, but being A Day in the Life of the group during the height of their popularity, it's reasonable that it should not be some great contrived fairytale. What Goes On is that Paul (and his "clean" grandfather) winks at gear birds, John plays around in the bathtub, George sticks it to the fashion industry, and Ringo becomes the star of the movie with an unforgettable series of endearing misadventures on the London waterfront. It basically invented the concept of music videos as well, featuring zany montages for the more upbeat songs. Hell, there's even some light satire about society. And, of course, including that effervescent Gift from the Gods that is "I Wanna Be Your Man" instantly makes your film a classic. In short, it's The Goddamn Beatles. What is there to say? The movie itself answers the question.
The Breakfast Club (5/6)
Legendary teen drama about a bunch of high school kids from different walks of life who learn to find themselves, signed by the incomparable John Hughes (R.I.P.), a guy who really understood the highs and lows of being a mixed-up kid. Initially, the characters are presented as one-dimensional idiosyncratic stereotypes of the five primary groupings in high school: the Jock, the Beauty Queen, the Geek, the Mental Case, and the Bully. We eventually come to understand what is really beneath the surface of these characters, which are all played to perfection, showing the strengths and weaknesses of their characters, by a really stellar cast of more or less then-unknown actors. It's a character study; and not only do we get to know these kids, but Hugh also shows a glimpse of the adults' (personified by the hated assistant principal) side of things, which really stands out in the history of cinema. Not to mention that some well-placed moments of wanton hilarity is perfectly balanced with the rest of the content. A valuable lesson for everyone in here somewhere.
Star Wars, a series with its admitted flaws (though most were to come to pass after this movie was made >.>), has always been an easy target for parody. With Spaceballs, the legendary Mel Brooks deserves credit for taking less obvious routes as it comes to making fun of it. It's all here: Bill Pullman at his best as Lone Starr (no relation to the aforementioned drummer god), the Luke/Solo composite protagonist, his "mawg" (half man, half dawg... clever?) pal Barf, Brooks himself as the evil ladies' man of a galactic president, Skroob, and of course, the best guy being the legendary "Slick" Rick Moranis as Dark Helmet, the goofy, inept evil lord of the "Downside of the Schwartz", a mystical Force which serves the purpose of doing whatever the, erm, plot demands (or so it appears?). Anyways, the evil Spaceballs need a new source of air to survive, and decide to take all the air from the peaceful planet of Druidia. With a little help from his friends, he completes... something. Anyway, it's got a few good lines and stuff. Wow, excuse me, but I totally got distracted and lost my interest in continuing this for some reason. Suffice it to say, it's a funny little caper, perfect as accompaniment to a pizza (especially due to the character of Pizza the Hut (lovingly voiced by aforementioned god Dom DeLuise), which creates a sort of stereoscopic effect which drew me into it, or something?). It also spawned one of the worst, most unfunny television shows ever, so... cool? Yeah...
Mac and Me (2/6)
Legendaryest corporate shill/E.T. rip-off movie of all time. Get this, a butt-ugly alien family living on another planet, who drink carbonated sugar water that totally isn't Coca-Cola (boo, hiss!) from the planet's core to stay alive, are kidnapped by a human space probe and brought to our bewildering corner of the universe. Their son is, however, separated, and winds up becoming the friend of a paraplegic kid, but not before messing up their entire house and nearly killing the wheelchair bound hu-man child. Naturally, the gumm'int are after the escaped Mysterious Alien Creature (MAC, get it?!? By God, they actually thought someone would be engrossed enough in this movie to put that together.), as as are his monstrously ugly parents. If you've seen E.T., you basically know what's gonna happen. Needless to say, after an extended dance scene at a McDonald's restaurant (BIG LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT™!) that somehow encapsulates everything horrible and decent about the 1980s in one scene, they elude the inept gumm'int and resuscitate MAC's half-dead parents with, you guessed it, Coca-Cola, Rejuvenating Nectar of (Alien) Life! In a twist that comes out of left field, the aliens are granted American citizenship (uh, what an... honor?) and ride off into the sunset, with the soul-chilling warning "We'll be back!", which thankfully never happened, as this turd, even with its unintentionally funny moments, was a box office failure. Warning: you may crave McDonald's after watching this (not in any way recommending that you do ever do that).
Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (5/6)
Saturday morning cartoons, and indeed, Batman, reached its peak with the animated Batman series, which presented fast-paced, dramatic, and engrossing entertainment seldom equaled in any medium. As the NC said, "we took the show seriously because the show took us seriously". A spin-off of said television show, Mask of the Phantasm is undeniable the best feature length Batman movie made in the 1990s (not that it had much competition in any sense of the word). Here we have an interesting plot regarding the mistakes past and how it haunts us, a sweeping score, well-developed characters, and last-but-not-least, THE JOKER, in his best incarnation (Heath Ledger who? Seriously though man, R.I.P.) played to perfection by LUKE SKYWALKER. The movie's only drawback is the somewhat predictable plot, but even here it takes the occasional risks. Batman, the way it should be.
Return to Oz (5/6)
Oh, joy of joys, a return to that wondrous, whimsical, colour-saturated land of Pink Floyd-album-synchronized trippyness (of yore), you say? ...Oh God, what is that?!? KILL IT!!! IT'S COMING RIGHT FOR US AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ...Yes, whomever thought up this film adaptation of the sequels of the first book in the Oz series set out with one thing on their minds; permanently messing up the heads of everyone who watches this film. After returning from her first trip to the magical land of Oz, young Dorothy Gale (our protagonist, stupid!) is stuck in what I assume to be Oz withdrawal. Worried, her parents have her committed to a mental hospital in order to perform shock therapy on her to get rid of these "distracting" thoughts. Sound like a good kid's film so far? Good. Anyway, she manages to escape and finds herself once again in the land of Oz, now almost completely destroyed by evil forces of... evil. The Emerald City (not Seattle) has been turned into a ruin filled with stone statues, among those her old friends the Tin Woodsman and the Cowardly Lion.
Together with her friend, the (awesome) talking chicken, she happens upon such delights as creepy, elongated lackeys on wheels and an evil witch (with no powers) who swaps between decapitated heads, and and plays a weird mandolin thing which has no relevance to the story, but is super creepy regardless. On the way, she encounters more new (ersatz) friends named Tik-Tok, a mechanical "one-man army" who resembles the Pringles mascot; and Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King Pumpkinhead, who decides to refer to her as "mom" for... yeah, we'll call them creepy reasons. Without spoiling too much, let's just say there's a multitude of confusing and scary scenes all over this. And I couldn't love it more if I tried. The sets are detailed and engrossing, the story is well thought-out, and even the characters, partly comic-relief though they may be, are cool and memorable. Kudos goes to the girl who played Dorothy for chipping in with a strong lead performance as well, unusual for one so young. The fact that my parents hired this film for me to watch as a kid explains... much. But regardless, it's a damn fine film which deserved (and, in fact, still does deserve) more acclaim and attention than what it got.
Occasionally entertaining, but overall inconsistent, unpredictable (not in the good way), unfunny comedy, despite featuring two cool actors, namely masters Cusack and Robbins in the lead roles. These two childhood friends, being Fast Talking Schemer and Awkward Tech Wizard archetypes, lose their jobs as security guards due to being... well, dumbasses, and instead decide to form "Video Aces", a company dedicated to creating cool video presentations and whatnot. Unfortunately, while riding the rags-to-riches roller coaster that is oh-so-typical of this genre of film, they get mixed up in some blackmail business. Factor in some random celebrity cameos, and you have... a film that simply doesn't work. It's hard to really put into words what makes it bad, but it just is. The best moment of the movie is the end, and not just because it concludes this... ordeal, but also because JELLO BIAFRA makes an appearance as a cop who arrest our duo for reasons I've since forgotten.
Warriors of Virtue (2/6)
Why me. Occasionally, my quests for something to kill my time on weekends lead me into realms of previously unimaginable stupidity. Warriors of Virtue occupies several of these, and has become the new patron saint for movies that only have one good thing to their name, which I'll get around to shortly. It's the classic story of some gimpy-legged kid who stumbles upon the portal to a realm of fantasy and magicks. But first, we have to follow him through boring real life, as he attends a sports event that feels like the end of another feel-good sports movie they just tacked on, and visits his Asian friend, a magnificent showmanship cook who would have been a much better subject for a movie. Then we end up in this aforementioned land of mystick and wonder, where Kung Fu Fighting Kangaroos Who Certainly Aren't A Rip-Off Of TMNT™ battle the only good thing about this movie (which instantly makes you hate these Kangaroo idiots more): the evil Lord Komodo, possibly the campiest and most unpredictable villain character you'll come across, played by (yet again) Angus Macfadyen.
With his odd inflections that come out of nowhere, insane laughter and wall-bangingly clichée'd dialogue and demeanor, you'd think this guy would suck. He, umm, doesn't. In fact, he's the only thing keeping this movie from becoming a flat-out 1/6 failure. The cliches play out as you might expect, with the one Kangaroo that left the group due to taking a life and vowing to never fight again returning to fight again and them sucking ass in battle against Komodo. Luckily, even though he is defeated somehow, he still survives, having lost his memory and becoming one of the good guys. Good on you, movie. Now go die in a hole, all of you 60+ minutes of the movie not featuring Komodo. This movie is entirely built on the principle of being a shameless, uninteresting rip-off of both TMNT and Tank Girl, and executes this horribly. It's like some kid's stupid idea of a "cool show" made reality, with all the horrendous flaws and lack of originality that entails. It sucks. Do not watch it. Look up the Komodo bits on YouTube though, they're cool (but I'm not as sure they are, if taken out of the context of the rest of the movie).
Six-String Samurai (4/6)
In a post-apocalyptic future of an alternate timeline in which the Soviet Union put their money where their mouth was and bombed the crap out of the US, rock and roll rules all from the world capital(?) of Lost Vegas. However, after "forty rockin' years", the King (take a wild guess as to whom) has died, and rock and rollers from around America are traveling to Lost Vegas to try and capture the throne. One of these is a wandering, guitar-playing, samurai-sword-wielding rogue by the name of "Buddy" (whether or not he actually is THE Buddy Holly is never touched upon) and the annoying, high-pitched tagalong orphan that follows him around.
Along the way he comes along queer sights such as a horrendously depraved and creepy cannibal family (who really become the protagonists for those few glorious minutes in which it appears they are going to eat the annoying kid), the mysterious (but awesomely gasmasked) "windmill people", and what remains of the Red Army (they may have taken over the US, but they ran out of ammunition as far back as 1957, and are now little more than the other cliques roaming the wastelands of post-apocalyptic America). Some kick-ass swordfights (albeit with less-than-stellar choreography at times) abound, along with a completely madcap soundtrack performed by a crazy Russian group known as the Red Elvises, who actually make a cameo in the movie.
The thing about this movie, the whole concept is just so damn charming. There are some absolutely priceless one liners here and there (when they're not intently forcing bad ones upon us as part of a... deconstruction, or whatever) and the cinematography and all that really makes it feel a bit like a big screen movie, it certainly doesn't constantly tell you "this is an indie film, whoopeeeee". And c'mon, it's Buddy Holly(?). He's kicking people's asses in an elaborate allegory for the battle between classic rock 'n' roll and heavy metal, filled with references to The Wizard of Oz for some reason. It's pretty badass by that alone, but it actually dares make something original out of itself.
Midnight in Paris (5/6)
Well, I wasn't initially intending to post this review here seeing as most of my reviews are kept on other, more exclusive places, to be read only by a chosen, enlightened few. But then I realized that was a lie. So anyway, here we have perhaps the best movie of 2011 (not saying as much as it should, this being among the worst years in movies I've had to suffer live through; seriously, there's not one movie I can think of that deserves a 6/6 rating) about an everyman writer by the name of Gil Pender. Now Gil, he's engaged to this totally unlikeable pregnant dog of a woman with an overbearing family, probably for the same self-destructive reasons he chose to become a generic Hollywood hack rather than pursue his dream of becoming a novelist with something important to say. During a trip to that one oasis of decency and stuff in all of France (if you couldn't guess by the title, you're likely pretty close to being blocked) he becomes somehow, inexplicably transported through time to Paris, as it appeared in the 1920s.
In the '20s, Gil encounters famous figures of all sorts, who are revealed to be quite down-to-earth people, really. From waxing philosophical with the badassest portrayal of Hemingway ever, to presenting his unfinished life's work about a "nostalgia shop" to Gertrude Stein who actually thinks his work has potential, to saving this wiki's very namesake, the amiably Alamaban but batsheet bipolarly insane Zelda Fitzgerald from an attempted suicide by drowning, Gil is having the time of his life and eventually falls in love with a fellow "Nostalgia Chick", if you'll allow. Unfortunately, she too dreams of going back in time, hating her contemporary existence to the same degree Gil does his own, and he comes to a realization that while nostalgia is nice, it's simply a temporary refuge from the challenges (but reality) of the present, and as a result of a chance encounter with a woman he made earlier, makes better life changes for himself.
Okay, so from the heavily condensed plot summary this movie seems like a bit of a cliché, right? For some reason, it's just not. As a character study it is stupendous, the dialogue is thought-provoking as well as very well thought-out, and there are some outrageous laughs here and there. With simply stunningly beautiful cinematography (perhaps the best depiction of Paris ever seen in a movie... and that, IS saying a whole lot), greatly realized historical figures, and the keystone of it all; the perfect casting as God-to-Be (stay tuned) Owen Wilson as the extremely likeable though slightly goofy and lacking in self-esteem good guy that appears in every Woody Allen movie. Yes, Woody Allen made this. And yes, it's probably one of his absolute best (though I haven't seen half of them). It's a mesmerizing experience, and has perhaps some of the greatest cinematic pacing seen in a long time.
Every once in a while, there comes a stylish, violent action movie deconstruction that has a shining chance at becoming a classic, that unfortunately doesn't deconstruct to the point where its content becomes justified, and suffers a whole lot of other problems alongside this. Drive is one of those movies. If there's one thing about this movie that is beyond criticism, it is the acting of leading man, Ryan Gosling, who delivers a classic minimalist performance as the mystery man known only as the Driver (and this is only the beginning of the similarities to Eastwood's "Man With No Name") who gets so few lines and so little background, but every little held gaze or moment of introspective ruminations (both on account of Driver as well as the audience) says more than words could convey. Before now, I wasn't sure if Gosling had much acting talent, but damn me if he ain't proven me wrong - which is a damn difficult thing to do, no bragsies.
That, however, is most of the positive things out of the way. On the surface, Drive is a story about a criminal escape car driver, who somehow comes to care about his pretty next-door neighbour and her son. He wants for he and his newfound love to get out and start a new life. Problem is, it's not that easy. There's complications of a sort not entirely unrelated to mobsters. And... that's exactly what the movie is. Despite its many attempts at delving more deeply into complex moral dilemmas and grey zones and whatnot, hundreds of movies have already done so to much greater effect. Robbed of this one aspect, it becomes a mostly disappointing, violent spectacle of unnecessary brutal proportions. Since so much care and screentime is bestowed upon Gosling, most of the other characters receive so little build, leading to a huge disappointment when the otherwise welcomed appearance of BRYAN CRANSTON becomes a footnote to the Driver's mental anguish.
The long and short of it is, Drive delves too deeply into violence and horror as an aesthetic (yeah, it's obvious that there are movies that do far worse than this, bear with me) without having much intellectuality or believability to back it up. It's as if they were trying to achieve that hard-to-copy Tarantino aesthetic with it, which is hard to reconcile with the movie's dreamlike "slow" pacing (that's another positive point I'd like to point out; the experimental drone soundtrack is drenched with atmospheric tension that hearkens back to the days of Bernard Herrmann. The awkward songs that appear here and there... are not so much good, and in fact is highly liable to produce Narm), as it were. The fact that this is considered one of the best movies of 2011 (we've already touched upon the quality of this year's offerings) merely shows how deprived the audience of quality films is of true classics these days.
Phantom of the Paradise (5/6)
Equal parts rock opera, depraved love story, re-imagining of Phantom of the Opera, and scathing critique on the music industry (kind of a visual counterpart to Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine") 1974's Phantom of the Paradise is an unsung classic in every which way, and one of Brian De Palma's greatest achievements in film, which says a fair deal. With a genre-busting soundtrack by none other than Paul Williams, one of yours truly's favourite songwriters of all time, this is awesome in all the ways Rocky Horror is not, which is to say nearly all of them. But still, the latter gets the glory. But it's alright, it kinda becomes an ironic extension of the message of Phantom.
A Twilight Zone-esque introductory narration by aforementioned god Rod Serling sets the tone for the dark, cynical world of the man known simply as Swan, genius record producer and trendsetter, who seeks the perfect music with which to open the Paradise, his new grand inner-city performance stage. By chance, aspiring songwriter Winslow Leach (played to perfection by the recently departed Bill Finley; a master of the art of slightly schizoid characters) has composed just the thing; however, being a detractor of Swan's "mass-produced garbage," Leach refuses to co-operate, so Swan just steals it. And that's just the beginning of the undoing of Winslow Leach. Suffice to say, in the process he becomes the masked, mysterious, eponymous Phantom, who seeks to ruin Swan's work. Little does the Phantom know that Swan has friends in "low places", if you know what I mean. It all ends in tragedy and heartbreak, with the uplifting notion that the Paradise's audience thinks it all part of the show. (And of course, there's BEEF; a man you will not soon forget once you've seen him.)
Basically, it's dynamic, pioneering film-making that seems miles ahead of most films of the era, a kind of complete, incontrovertible deconstruction of a medium, an aesthetic which it shares with another '70s classic, Network. The songs and performances walk an inexplicably fine line between being ridiculous, lame and over-the-top, and awesome, intelligent pastiches. Paul Williams (that's right; he's an awesome actor, too!) is the most memorable thing here, giving an absolutely unforgettable performance as the charming, devious, monstrous Swan. Also, did I mention BEEF already? (He's so FABULOUSLY awesome you must capitalize his name every chance you get.) The one sticking point of the film is the acting/singing of somewhat miscast Jessica Harper as the Phantom's "protege" Phoenix (Nice bird motifs here, innit?) but that's if I really have to accentuate a negative just to not seem overly-biased here. Don't be surprised if a potential re-evaluation in a few years yields a perfect score. I'm having trouble finding that perfect adjective with which to describe it, so let's just drop it, for the Hell of It.
List of Gods
Being a monolatric kind of guy, I recognize many persons and/or things as things that have risen above the normal filth of the earth and asserted their place as Gods of the Heavens and the Earth. This is a list of these things. If you and your religious stance are offended by this, megabyte me. Oh yeah, this is in no specific order. If you're not on this list, you may or may not suck.
Seriously, how much more awesome can you get than Hardcore Holly, the most underrated wrestler of all freakin' time? This guy can turn a squash match with a rookie into a five-star classic with only backhand chops and basic moves. Everyone else can just go die. In a world that is reasonable and just (confound those 300 Spartans for not winning that battle against the girl guy a long time ago!) he would be a 300-time WWE/World Champion right now.
"Hmph. I forgot to set my TiVo to record Spiran Idol."
While a fictional character (by the same definition, as is Hardcore Holly...sorta), Auron from Final Fantasy X has proven that real people are for the most part boring and useless in comparison. The most badass wandering Ronin character since...Rod Serling(?) to ever assert his presence in video gaming. For more information, read this.
Creative Zen Vision:M
"Cousin Cletus! This hurr emm pee three thingy can display nekked picshers and play me some Toby Keith tunes at the same time! Whoa doggies!"
— Cousin Potato Sack Pete
iPod sucks. Yeah, I said it. When it comes to portable multimedia players, nothing can beat the Zen Vision:M, even if newer, more compatible models with more storage come out all the time. It can play music. It can play a very limited amount of videos (however, the most frequently used, like DivX and XviD are supported). It can display your hot hentai pics. What more could you possibly ask from anything? Watching movies while in bed is man's greatest achievement to date; perhaps even greater than the invention of the pizza.
Helge "Omen" Kaizer
"Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds."
— Britney Spears
Forget about your Charlie Mansons, Albert Fishes and John McCains, the creepiest haunt to ever walk the face of the earth is Helge "Omen" Kaizer. A mysterious man clad in a gas-mask that plays haunting melodies on a pump organ, an accordion, a marimba and an inner capsule; your mind may not be able to take it. Nobody knows who the hell he is or why he has come—however, we should all be warned and cry in despair whenever he unleashes his power.
"I swear to drunk I'm not God!"
— Part 1, Sect. 5 of Nobel Prize winner's essay on beer
Both the cause and solution of World War II, this beverage invented by early Mesopotamians (or Mork from Ork) contains alcohol, a strange substance that makes unattractive people more attractive, tremendously increases your natural balance and enables you to manage to listen to a Fergie song without tearing your eyes out. Those right beside you may not be so lucky. While it is expensive like hell, what the hell else would you spend your money on? High School Musical 3? No. Beer should be offered in school cafeterias everywhere, so as both to boost learning power and automatically making the next day a sick day for whomever should drink too much of it, despite the fact that it is impossible to have too much beer.
"I don't have to listen to this, I'm a God!"
— Dom DeLuise as Tiger
Dom DeLuise is an awesome voice actor, famous for voicing a character in almost every Don Bluth film to date. You know, the crazy old cook who managed to create animated films with a heart and soul, unlike a certain Evil Empire known for performing statutory you-know-what on their original films by creating crappy sequels. Anyway, DeLuise uses practically the same voice every time; somewhat reminiscent of a Bronx accent. This leads to many humorous characters like Tiger, the fraidy-cat from the American Tail films and Itchy from the All Dogs Go to Heaven films. Yeah, I watched these when I was a kid, okay? The funny thing, the ones I watched were dubbed to Norwegian so I really didn't get to experience DeLuise's voice acting until I re-watched all the films I watched as a kid as a part of an identity crisis I had a couple of years back. Anyway, to summarize this; Dom DeLuise is a guy who can re-use the same voice each time and come up with the same hilarious results. Awesome.
Sadly, DeLuise passed away on May 4, 2009. His legacy will forever remain in our hearts...and on this page. Have fun in heaven...'cause if Florence Nightingale got in, you oughta be a cert. Rest in peace my man.
Never has Godhood been embodied in a film like in Braveheart. Pre-broken down anti-semitic Mel Gibson created a masterpiece with this, mixing rough Feudal Age action with epic scenes and a captivating script, along with some awesome acting performances (note; Sophie Marceau as the foofy French princess is not included in this category) and an inspiring, touching and amazing tale that everyone should be able to, if not relate to, at least appreciate on a base human level. It even manages to do this without a hot chick; imagine what could have happened if there were one. That could create a film so good it would cause a pime taradox. Unfortunately, Braveheart simply stays in the Godhood area and doesn't go above.
"You coo lay Lee, I coo lay Lee."
— A Guy Named Charles
The Ukulele is like the Session 9 of instruments; it didn't get the credit it deserved, but is still one of the most awesome instruments out there. When played, the Ukulele sounds somewhat like a guitar either tuned way up or with a capo on a very high fret. It does indeed sound awesome. While the Ukulele is often associated with Hawaii and all that, the reason it achieves Godhood is because of the way it has been used by Carmaig de Forest, the world's second most awesome underground Ukelele singer-songwriter. Resembling your average math teacher, Mr. de Forest manages to write songs as captivating as the most touching Tennyson poem (poetry's for geeks) with the help of his good friend, the Ukulele. Just like Jamie Noble; it's small but packs one hell of a punch.
Corn flakes, while very bad for your circulatory system and high in unhealthy content (you know, what the media outlets refer to as "A Gift from Satan Himself") is a damn good way to start one's day. Milk (covered in a future entry) sugar and corn flakes together give you that unhealthy boost of energy in the early mornings that may come back and ruin your sleep, but who cares really? Remember, the moment that you do start caring, it's too late.
"Umm, I'm supposed to find a quote about Cing? Seriously? I don't wanna."
Cing was a game company, responsible for the creation of such Nintendo DS classics as Another Code: Two Memories (known to you US guys as Trace Memory), Hotel Dusk and Again. (One of) the best adventure game companies of their time (in a very diminished niche market, mind ye) managed to create games that were engrossing, exciting, innovative and felt like a good use of one's money. Intricate, mysterious stories laden with foreboding as well as some very realistic characters and dialogue made you fall in love with the game worlds. Hotel Dusk contained some of the best dialogue this guy has ever seen in any game ever. While the gameplay facet of the games was not largely groundbreaking or intensive, it worked out rather well, leaving one with one's brains to solve the puzzles. Cing adventure games appeared to be the new Christie novels. However, the Ghost of Capitalism would eventually rear its ugly head, forcing Cing to admit bankruptcy, leaving the fate of a non-Japan release for the sequel to Hotel Dusk unresolved, and not likely to ever happen. It's sad that casual crap manages to stay afloat while great companies such as Cing are forced to hang it up. Thanks, World.
— Approximately the fine I would have to pay should my violations of copyrighted material ever come to light
The Internet is both among Man's greatest creation and his undoing. That's a trip and a half. One of the wonders of the new world, other than the escalating violence, bigotry and hatred, is the Internet, or more specifically, torrents. The ultimate in file sharing, with a half-decent connection, you'll be able to get movies in decent quality for free. Hell, if the film in question sucked, you can just delete it instead of feeling like a jackass for having bought it. Face it, neither the music, gaming nor movie business lose any notable profit if you do it. To make up for the minor loss of revenue, those stupid record label managers and people could allot the creator more money rather than keep 90% to themselves. What we're doing is a favour to the world; and as long as anyone can watch really crappy VHS rips of Are You Afraid of the Dark? while doing it, nobody can really be a loser.
"Hello, Jeff. I want to play Money Making Game."
Now, I'm not going to induct the entire Saw series in here, because quite frankly, the fourth and fifth one were lacking. Oh wait, no, they sucked. May be because the gore is becoming just a tad too...gory? Maybe it's because the actor who's playing the proverbial new bad guy, Hoffman, has absolutely no charisma as an actor? Maybe we can blame it on the boogie? In all seriousness, the films lacked the one thing that made the first three Saw films so insanely good; the antagonist, John Kramer, or as the media propaganda would lead you to believe, Jigsaw.
After being diagnosed with terminal cancer, John Kramer tries to commit suicide by crashing his car. However, he survives, and realizes that his life is a precious thing that must not be wasted. He sees things in a completely new light. He also notices how so many people around him do not appear to appreciate their lives, and he does whatever someone in his situation would do; he decides to test their will to live by putting them in really deadly, disgusting traps based on something in their life. The guy's not even a killer; he gives someone a chance to really change their life, and if they should die, it was because they were too weak to utilize the full potential of the primal survival instinct. This guy knows everything about behavioural science too, and knows how to manipulate anyone into following his bidding. The character would not be as good without the stellar acting of Tobin Bell, who manages to make John Kramer a completely disturbing, yet eerily understandable guy. Needless to say; a God.
Yep, a one-time skater, I'm quite a big fan of the Tony Hawk series of video games. My skating career is another story. Anyway, completely unrealistic games that allow you to chain together sick combos, destroy property without being arrested and basically always comes with a pretty cool soundtrack, you've gotta love. However, there's one trick that beats all others; and that would be the FS (Frontside) 540. Technically speaking, it's a frontflip with a 180 degree spin, or something like that. Don't bother me with details kid. However, it looks so completely awesome, and is my favourite way of starting that 5,000,000 point combo. FS 540, revert, manual, Darkslide, Impossible, Darkslide, etc. You all know how it goes. Screw all those gimmicky Star Wars tricks and boring Indy 900 spins; the FS 540 is the coolest (virtual) skate trick of all time.
"Whose alter ego is Dinah Shore?"
— Jello Biafra
The frontman of punk rockers Dead Kennedys, Jello Biafra is a certified lunatic and musical prodigy. (Come to think of it, aren't all musical prodigys insane? You know; Michael Jackson, Charlie Manson, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc.) With his weird-ass "vibrato" voice, politically and socially flammatory lyrics and elementary, slick guitar movements, Jello is pretty, err, unique. Here is a man who sees the world, or rather, "modern society" for what it is; a slightly cleaner version of Stone Age, where the ones with the clubs (read: cash) are the ones in charge, keeping the consumerism apes in line. The cold, hard truth; indeed, the very facts of life were never spoken of quite as coolly or truthfully as in songs like "Police Truck", "Holiday in Cambodia" and "Stealing People's Mail". And you know I just stuck in the "cleaner" song titles due to the PG-rating this site's got.
Jello got more or less screwed by his ex-bandmates in the mid-90s, when they sued him for whatever reason and ended up with the rights to the entire back catalogue of the DKs. However, without Jello, the Dead Kennedys and what they once stood for is pretty much dead and buried. And yet, those sell-out bastards still tour to this day, with some other loser in Jello's spot; getting royalties for allowing anything and everything to use DKs' songs in their product. It's a freakin' mockery. Jello may be a crazy guy, but you can't help but sympathize for him in a situation like that.
"If God were a food, he would be cheese."
Throughout the history of Man, there has been one constant; anything can be improved upon the inclusion of cheese, the "edible gold", as it were. Made from a special way of processing milk, cheese is another of the Great Inventions of Man. With a cornucopia of different varieties, ranging from the regular yellow cheese found on your grilled cheese sandwiches to blue cheese from mountain goats of the Himalayas, cheese is one of the world's most diverse food families. Bad for your circulatory system and all that, but who cares? I mean, I'd take a good meal of bread n' cheese over a few more years of living as a pained, decrepit old man who is ignored by his relatives any day.
"Saidst the Builder then to the man, "sleepest thou shalt on a daily basis, or stuff might happen.""
— Theorem of the Annexed Codex of the Builder
Whoever you are, whatever you do; everybody needs sleep. And Jesus, does sleep ever rock. Disconnecting your brain and traveling through the deepest reaches of your mind. Cool beans. Also, nice to have a comfy bed to perform the act of sleep in. Sleep is also a time to forget about all the troubles of your life, so you might as well do it as often as you can. Sleep in and that. World War III could start tomorrow, for all we know. So, inna final analysis, sleep does rock a lot. Necessary and good for you. Far out man. Natural high.
"I've got blisters on me fingers!"
— Ringo Starr
Everybody knows that Ringo Starr is the greatest Beatle, drummer and guy named Ringo of all time. Like, seriously. It was awful nice of him to let those two no-good Liverpool nuggets Lennon and McCartney publish his songs under their name, only for him to become the secret manipulative mastermind behind the entire thing. Fantastic songwriter and an awesome voice. Also, best humor in the group. Likely to be the final remaining Beatle living...actually, he already is, since Paul already died once already and was replaced by a lookalike. So...badass! Ringo forever, dude.
— Dumb Guy watching Iron Man
Ah, dumb people. What would a (self-proclaimed and possibly errant) intelligent mastermind such as myself do without them? People who take things at face value and fail to see the subtlety of life's many proclivities. People who are entranced by daytime TV commercials. People who exist for the sole reason of remaining in a state of perpetual ignorance for others to exploit and ridicule. And of course, those lovely lovely GameFAQs (that's right Baltro!) posters. The world is a more interesting place with them around, that's for sure. Now lemme give a shoutout to all you idiots out there!
"Right, so these two crows were in a bar one night and..."
— The Funniest Joke in the World
If there ever were one constant in the history of the world, it would be the Crowbar. Supposedly invented as a tool for applying leverage, the Crowbar has played a part in many of the events that has changed the course of history. What do you reckon was the weapon of choice of Norse Vikings in the Dark Ages? What weapon (aside from alcohol) do you think played an instrumental part (the Overture from Rossini's "La Gazza Ladra", actually) in the North's victory over the Confederacy in the American Civil War? And could you imagine how much messier John F. Kennedy's assassination could have been had The Comedian used a less subtle weapon like a potato gun? The Crowbar is responsible for the alteration of the world's timeline in 1985 as well, so without the advent of the Crowbar, we could well be living in a world where Muse never existed...what the? DAMN YOU CROWBAR! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Portable Network Graphics
"On the 115th Day, the Lord descended from Heaven and said, "Thou shalt not use JPG as a file format, as it is the work of the devil. I be srs guise." And there was much rejoicing."
— Book of the Brooklyn Bridge, verse 7, line 5
If I someday perfect my Time Machine, the first thing I shall do is travel back to the 90's and thwart the invention of Man's Greatest Mistake: Jive-Arse Pathetic Eenternet Graphics, also known as JPEG or JPG. Seriously. So much great artwork and imagery has suffered from the evil compression effects, rendering them damn near useless and ugly. Why are you doing this? Why are you so mean to art? What did art ever do to you? You're all monsters. You MUST DIE. All must be replaced with Portable Network Graphics, the superior graphics container. To illustrate what you are doing to art, you sick demented jerks, look below. Are you happy now? ARE YOU?!? HUH?!? You sicken me.
PNG >>>>> JPEG
"I have nothing. Men fight for me because if they do not, I throwthemoffmahland and I starve their wives and children. Those men who bled the ground red at Falkirk, fought for William Wallace. He fights for something that I never had. And I took it from him, when I betrayed him, I saw it in his face on the battlefield and it's tearing me apart."
One of the badassest actors (and by extent, the badassest Scottish actor) of all time is Mr. Macfadyen, who can make a movie just by existing, even if the plot is weak, the filmography dull, the characterization nonexistent; if he's in it, it's going to be good by default. With his utterly believable psychological charisma, frequent accent slips, and utterly sophisticated ability ham it up —controlled chaos to the extreme—he can make practically any role his own, be it angsty Saw victim Jeff, scurvy pirate Blackbeard, haunted Roman senator Marcus Crassus, or hypocritical vice-counsel Dupont.
"Small, soulless shinydiscs are for lazy people. Problem compactdiscfans?"
The superior format on which to store music. Due to pressure from various governmental bodies, the compact disc was created to "replace" it, as more space in the world was considered a priority at the time (protip, government: store your toxic waste in the Earth's core instead). It is in no way superior, often the subject of terrible audio mastering and with its miniscule size, under constant threat of being broken by clumsy humans. Vinyl records, on the other hand, are BLACK (unless you're talking colored vinyl here, but screw that!), scientifically proven to be the coolest colour ever devised.
Rather than being encased in something that will exist long after you're dust in the ground and turn our world into the trash dump wasteland envisioned in WALL-E before long, they actually make a little experience out of the cardboard covers they're put in. And lest we forget, we get those charming crackling noises, confirmation that somewhere within that little black circle is a soul (probably from an Indian burial ground). Another pro is the added exercise from having to turn the record around after some 15-20 minutes. Not given an option to rip the CD and leave it in the shelf never to use it again, vinyl record owners gain another type of respect for the album product. With their limited lifespan easily shortened by too many listens, they become sort of human, like us; existing in a fleeting temporal state of eventual, inevitable erosion.
Of course, you shall not be judged (much) for following your orders from The Man and buying these almost invisible shiny things. Just know that there is a better option. Now, I need this soapbox back to store my records in.
"That, dear boy, was noise."
— Moon, after blowing up a toilet
The greatest drummer of all time not named Ringo Starr (coincidentally, he and Ringo was cracking good bruvs, and he trained his son, Demigod-by-relation Zak Starkey, in the ways of the drums) and very likely to have been an incarnation of Christ. Moon was mostly untrained and his teachers noted he had little musical affinity. Showing once and for all that music teachers and theorists are complete idiots, he and his little band known as The Who forever changed the game by being the best pure rock band of all time. This owing no small amount to the absolutely greatest bassist ever, John "The Ox" Entwistle, and Moon's madcap, hyperactive, unmatched (and, indeed, literally uncopiable) drumming that makes Neil "Pfft" Peart look like even more of a mook than usual.
But the man was far more than just a mere drummer, having composed the greatest instrumental masterpiece of all time, "Cobwebs and Strange" (better than The Who's post-78 output combined). Rock Band fear releasing this song as a downloadable content as it would prematurely end the careers of aspiring drummers who, despite never being as good as Moon, may still be of some use to some underground Minnesota Disney cover bands named after flavours of pie. He also remained throughout his life a true student of "partying on." Which he did. A lot. His stimulant-induced acts of small-time public vandalism are the stuff of legend. His infinitely-convoluting brain was such that he dressed up in costumes and stuff a lot of the time, presumably as extensions of 1,000+ personalities stored in there.
Unfortunately for all of us left here on this dire, doomed planet of ours, Moon had to depart our mortal plane in 1978 for reasons unexplained, possibly because of the impurity of the human race, who failed to realize the life-changing greatness of his most sincere offering unto them, his solo album Two Sides of the Moon. He left behind a legacy like none other. At the Great Gig in the Sky, Moon is probably, right this very second, sitting in the highest of skyboxes watching the never-ending cavalcade of fellow greats including Holly (not Hardcore), Wright, Lennon and Harrison.
"...Come with me and take this city!"
— The greatest (and shortest) rousing speech ever
He is the One True King of Westeros, not only by right, but by deed and action. A bastion of righteousness and uncompromising honor in a world truly gone all the way to hell, he is the king Westeros has done naught to deserve, yet the one it needs right now. Because when eldritch ice zombies are coming to destroy civilization as we know it, who do we turn to? A well-meaning, if not exceedingly clever, teenaged puppet king? A vapid, self-satisfied, mismatched-eyebrowed dragon lady whose ancestral madness genes are beginning to show like mad? Uhh, that other guy who half-assedly runs a "nation" of opportunistic and stupid viking pirates? Hodor?No. It's Stannis. Only Stannis. First into the battlefield, first up the battlements, last to leave. The biggest badass in literature and television. The Old Gods, the New Gods, the Drowned God, the God of Zits and Whine, the Lord of Light... screw 'em. Westeros has only one god and his name is Stannis Baratheon, First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm. (This message has been approved by Davos Seaworth, Hand of the King.)
"That's a smashing blouse you've got on!"
— Rik as Richard "Rick" Richard, Bottom
The British Jim Carrey (or maybe Carrey's the Canadian Rik Mayall) in that he could make you laugh by just blinking his eyes in a manic fashion. This, my friends, is a gift that few ever receive, let alone appreciate. By all accounts, Mayall's delivery and material should be too stupid, too dumb, and too puerile to be one of the most hilarious things ever. However... it's just not. He was just too likeable and damn good at what he does. Nobody can replicate what he does and make it work that well, and they are foolish to try. Lord Flashheart? That was not acting, guy. Heck, there's even a legit Zelda connection in that the guy did a bunch of Nintendo commercials way back in the '90s.
Millennia from now, when aliens arrive at our long-dead planet, they will find records of the vestiges of humanity in the form of Mayall's epic Grim Tales, the only way through which the fairy tales which were once kept alive through oral tradition (Rik would have a good joke about this...) have been able to survive. And they'll realize that even though this young, foolish race was doomed to bring itself to extinction through increasingly sophisticated nuclear-equipped walking battle tanks, there was still something redeeming about their existence. And the aliens will weep for the race they will never know. And then, of course, Bruce Campbell will ambush them and boomstick them all into a fine paste, because he'll be damned if he'll be killed by something as weaksauce as a permanent nuclear winter. But I digress.
My point is... thank you, Rik. Thanks for the laughs. The People's Poet will never die as long as we have his poetry. (But seriously you selfish corndog, you still had one Bottom reunion left in you! ARRRRRRRRRRRGH! THESE TEARS OF ANGER BEAR SUCH A SWEET STING!!!)
The Original And Legendary Lame Song Parody Corner ®
So here's the thing. One morning after a hard day's night of assorted bilge drinking, I booted up my laptop to find my desktop conspicuously empty, the only thing to be found on there being a text file named "COBALTRUSKS.txt". Opening the file, I was awash in jumbled, nonsensical lettering. Using the World's Most Powerful Supercomputer, I decrypted the file with a #1338a cypher code, and discovered it to be a deep, dark secret regarding the origin of species that would prove most dangerous in the wrong hands. Consulting the I Ching, I was told to bury the file in the Navajo desert and never speak of it again. Also, there were some lame Zelda parodies of Beatles (a notable past name used for the group was "The SilvaBeedles") song titles that I apparently jotted down the night before, much like Nostradamus wrote his prophecies, in a fit of drunken rage. I now upload the contents of this file for the benefit of stuff. May Cod have mercy on our salt...
Yep, the Game Boy classic is the first Zelda game I got my grubby hands on, however, this was not without delay. Upon visiting Harrod's in Merrie Olde Londone, I was dead-set on buying it, however, they did not have it in stock (although they did have the freakin' box on display...) so my mother bought me a much better game...Rugrats: The Movie: The Game. Did I enjoy it? NO. Eventually, I got a hold of the real deal in Sweden (when they were still selling Game Boy games in shops) and there was love at first sight. It took me ages to actually complete it, especially with the Golden Leaf ordeal. At one point, I legitimately became "obsessed" with the game, as parents and relatives noted that I was acting freakishly weird after having FINALLY found the last Golden Leaf. This is the only time I can think of that I lost control of my gaming. I'm ashamed.
Next up was A Link to the Past, which I rented from the nearby SNES rental shop, when it was still possible to rent a game in the land of Kaizerland. This is a dead tradition now, but I believe I rented it for 14 straight weekends before I finished it. Loved it. When the same shop went bankrupt and were forced to sell all their rented games, I was too late in coming to the shop to buy the rental copy...I ended up with buying WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game instead. Yay. It would take the release of the GBA port, including Four Swords for me to finally buy the blasted thing. Also, I ended up buying it on the Wii's Virtual Console too.
Ocarina of Time was on sale back in '99. It went for 100 kroner a pop (about 20 bucks, not half bad) and I got it from my brother for my birthday. I also bought a used N64 on that birthday. So yeah, I loved it and became like the help phone for my friends who did not have the intellectual fortitude to complete the game on their own that summer. The memories.
What can I say about the original game that hasn't already been said? It's impossible to play without attracting a serious brain hemorrhage. I've never finished it and probably never will. ONE of the dungeons in the game is harder than any game I can think of today, seriously. It's just...ARRGHFHHGHGH!!! Still though, great level design and gameplay system, for its time. With savestates, it's even half enjoyable. But that's only the BS Zelda version I'm talking about here. But freakin' hard, man.
Okay, so I may have mispoken before. This may not only give you brain hemorrhage, but also possible STDs and infractions of the orbital bone. Just defeating ONE ENEMY is hard in this game. Also, people who introduce themselves as "Error" is not something just any mind can take without potentially cracking to pieces and shattering a person's view of life. I'm sorry...and a bit amazed that the series actually continued after this brainfart, which I seriously hope will at one time be confirmed as non-canonical.
Hmm, after I wrote this, I actually played the game through from start to finish...a rewarding experience, even if I needed "cheats" to do it. It's not all that bad...it's fun when you know you don't have to get a game over every ten minutes. Still, would be nice to have even THE FAINTEST CLUE on where to go next after a temple is finished. It just feels broken. Even with the cheats required to complete it, it's still the worst Zelda game you can get. So yeah, Spirit Tracks may still have a chance. Still longer after I wrote that piece of inane, unneeded criticism, it turns out Spirit Tracks is awesome and owns Zelda II with a comfortable margin. It's fun to be presumptuous!
Then suddenly, along comes the Masterpiece. Everything that I ever loved about Ocarina of Time is expanded upon and transformed into a being far above the human consciousness, err yes, I do mean that it's one of the best games ever made. A completely unfathomable atmosphere, tension and creepiness just completely suffuses the game. I quote Alex Burgess' "A Clockwork Orange"; "Strange how the colours of the real world seem only real when you viddy them on a screen." Just a goddamn masterpiece, and I don't care how many Final Fantasy VII fanboys stand in my way, I shall strike you down. ...Yeah, loved it.
The first Oracle game I got was Oracle of Ages. Possibly the greatest Game Boy Colour game of all time, it features so damn much, both in detail, texture and cookie crunch. While it was definitely light-hearted, it also featured darker moments as well. Not to mention that Veran helps fuel my midriff fetish...OH YEAH, did you need to know that? Well, guess not. Sorry there. All complaints can be send to 1-900-WHO-CARES. Nyuah.
Some moons later, I finally tricked my poor ass parents into buying it for me. While not as good as Oracle of Ages, Seasons definitely packed a punch. A rich, imaginative cheese melt if there ever were one. I don't know, but I think I may be one of the three people on earth (the other two being the late, great James Coburn and Nigel Planer) that liked Ages better than I did Seasons. Yeah, they rejected my first application for a spot in the local loony bin.
Well, I finally got some cash and decided to buy both a GameCube and The Wind Waker sometime in 2005. While WW along with the Zelda Collector's Edition I got with the GameCube and Twilight Princess were the only games I ever got for the console, I'd say it was worth it. Either way, I was one of the few who didn't feel like Nintendo had gone all soft in the head what with the new cel-shaded graphics and I was quite looking forward to the game. Immediately I was sucked into a pretty cool world, one of the best-developed Zelda game worlds out there. But, the game had one major flaw. SAILING. Hours and hours and hours and hours of never-ending, repetitive sailing. And what with having to change the wind direction every time you wanted to go somewhere, it would be an understatement to say that I grew very annoyed with the game after a while. Nevertheless, the gameplay was tight, the graphics were awesome-looking and the story wasn't bad at all, so that weighed up for the small aggravations. In the end, the good things managed to slightly outweigh the bad things (the sailing if you hadn't guessed) so I was happy with my purchase.
Heh, funny, at this point my playage of the games had started to become eerily chronological. Oh well, I got The Minish Cap for me darling old GBA just after its release because a Christmas miracle had happened; one out of the about 1,500,1138 games ever released was released in Europe BEFORE the US and Japan. Crazy, but that's the way it works. The moment I started the game, I was amazed. They managed to cram into this small cartridge a compelling game, with all the best things from the previous portable titles while mixing it up with some of the feel from The Wind Waker and the original Legend of Zelda as well as some new, solid ideas. While the story left me somewhat nonplussed and the game felt way too short in general, it give pretty much everything you could ask for in its short lifespan, including fun mini-games and long sidequests. But in the end, the game would have benefitted greatly both from being more difficult and having a different story. Good game.
Well, Twilight Princess was the last breath of the GameCube. Having just obtained a rather sizeable sum (for a 17-year old that is!) from the government as scholarship stuff, I thought I'd go crazy and end up in a possibly financially liable situation by going out and buying the game. I also bought a Nintendo DS Lite together with it for whatever reason. I decided to take a couple of days off of school and just stay home eating Pizza and playing the game. Aaah...Talk about your Wonder Years...Kevin Arnold has nothing on me!
But I've got to say, there was just something missing about the game first time I played it. The graphics were fabulous and the gameplay was smooth, but to this day there was just something that didn't feel right. Maybe it was due to the featureless and droll game world that couldn't hold half a candle to the Hyrule presented in Ocarina of Time? Maybe it was because of the confusing plot? Maybe it was due to the fact that there is too little Ilia hentai, even on rule34? God only knows. While I did enjoy the gameplay and aforementioned graphics, when I finished it, there was this sour taste left in my mouth. Too many new ideas that didn't work out well. So I left feeling disappointed. However...during my second playthrough in the year 2008, that something seemed gone and I was able to fully enjoy each and every aspect of the game. It went from bottom of the Zelda rung to a respectable fourth or fifth place. I can't really explain it...but rest assured when I say that Twilight Princess is a great game, but in no shape, size or amount of hentai is it better than Majora's Mask or Ocarina of Time. And I'm not just sayin'...I'm just sayin'.
I bought Phantom Hourglass on a day I didn't feel like going to school; rather, I went to the local city by myself and happened upon a GameStop shop, where they sold this game for half the recommended retailer price. Of course, I'd completely forgotten about there being a new Zelda game for the DS and had to give in to my consumerism needs and buy it. I also skipped the subsequent day's schoolin' to actually play the game. Some things are just more important than being bored to death by information you'll most likely forgot in half a year anyway, such as playing a newly purchased Nintendo DS game.
At once, I was impressed by the graphics; I mean, this IS the DS after all, with worse anisotropic filtering and anti-aliasing than an Amiga. Okay, so maybe not, but you know what I mean. They looked exactly like the stylish cartoonish graphics from The Wind Waker, with some minor "downgrades" here and there. I was surprised. As for the game itself, while I didn't really care all that much for the story or the villain, it was a fun trip with many cool Nintendo DS gameplay features and generally, controlling Link was fun. They even managed to automatize (is that a word? I say it is. You say different, and yousa fried.) that dreadful sailing part that was a major hassle in The Wind Waker.
It was a pretty easy game, though, and I managed to finish it within three to four days. In short, it's a fun, player-friendly game, but it was lacking in several areas that I find to be crucial parts of the identity of a Zelda game. Fun, but naive.
"Obtained" the game (possibly the first person on the wiki to do so... well, I didn't see anyone stepping up to dethrone me, did I?) a couple of days prior the real release date. Suffice it to say, even though most of it was a rehash of a rehash, it's better than Phantom Hourglass in all areas of expertise not related to Linebeck, which is a great credit to the game. Despite the fact that it had the same tepid level design and gameplay as its predecessor, it made up for it with a better storyline, a (much, much, much) better setting and actually some music that was memorable, if not outright great. Still though, it's DSCelda, with all the flaws and errors that goes with that, so it goes without saying it can't compare to most other series titles.
Its biggest problem is that the game's unnecessary padding (read: side quests) outweighed the story element by a substantial margin; a big one even for the Zelda series. And generally, doing the side quests (some of which are a part of an even bigger side quests) felt genuinely unrewarding and pointless. To make up for this though, the gameplay is smooth like in Phantom Hourglass, but with more interesting and creative items, such as the whip and things. Making Zelda an actual playable character was a risk, but they pulled it off nicely. Would be interesting to see this in a proper game. In the end, Spirit Tracks outshines its predecessor in most everything, but we're still dealing with a major sense of relativity here, compared to other games. One more DSCelda game is not preferable at this point.
So, technically, this is one of the games that I got the earliest. I'd reckon it's about after Oracle of Seasons or something. However...! Never got around to playing it, because of various reasons. I cannot abide most multiplayer games, and multiplayer in a series one of whose very focal points is isolated, hardcore singleplayer, even less so, so that turned me off to the idea pretty fast. And even if I were inclined to play it despite this, there is the fact that I live in a relatively backwards town, gaming-wise, and I knew absolutely nobody what had both a Game Boy Advance and a copy of the game. So for years untold, I lived in a state of constant agony due to missing out (read: not), that is, until...
...The game was re-released on that shiny black god/dess incarnation of SHEX that is the Nintendo 3DS. What's more, it was free. So I figured, "what the hey, it's not like I've got anything better to do like focusing on my educational future or mental/physical wellbeing" and got it. And... I can't really say it was a disappointment seeing as how I did not have great expectations (not to be confused with Dickensian masterpiece Great Expectations, which I do have). You get your repetitive, thankless gameplay and for the most part, half-realized innovations that would be improved upon in later games or abandoned altogether. You get your excuse plot, and of course, bloody Vaati. A guaranteed hour and a half of repetitive gameplay and puzzles that a lobotomized monkey could do in its sleep!
To put it forward as concisely as I can: this is Zelda, without bringing anything to the table that makes the experience worthwhile. The bonus throwback dungeons and whatnot were nice gimmicks, but in the end, that's all they were. Gimmicks. Aside from the gameplay, which is still good at its core, the game reeks of lack of effort, and I'll gladly denounce its status as part of the main series at the tip of a hat. My good friend Forrest Gump agrees with me when I say, "That's all I have to say about thay-at." That's goddamn right...
So here we are. 25 years of one of the best, if not the best, game series of all time. That's not even debatable. And what better way to celebrate than with an all-new console installment of the series? It's always such a pleasure. And boy howdy, did I ever get what I expected; one of the best installments of the series on console. I've come to grips with the fact that Majora's Mask will forever be insurmountable for a myriad of seemingly tangential, intangible reasons, and it is with this attitude I meet every new installment that comes my way. Even with that, the game is bloody awesome.
Firstly, the gameplay (some crazy people might say this is one of the most important parts of a video game) is the out-and-out best of any 3D Zelda game. It takes elements from past installments and mixes them together with innovations that ensure it has streamlined flow and, for the most part, never becomes dull or boring. Secondly, it takes the storytelling to another level; while I don't think it surpasses Majora's Mask or Link's Awakening as far as emotion and feel goes, it is definitely the most well-paced and balanced game, story-wise. In time, I may come to appreciate it more. Although I personally find really deep prequels that delve too deeply into story elements revered for their mystery (Midichlorians come to mind), they pulled it off fine.
Oh, and the game has GROOSE: THE badassest Groosenator this side of Tselinoyarsk. What initially seemed like nothing but a stereotypical jerk jock bully guy with Wakka-hair who would be forgotten once the main story picked up turned out to be one of the most genuinely likeable and human characters to be found throughout the series (and awesome, if you were in doubt). Of note, too, is Ghirahim, who defies his... err... FABULOUS appearance to become a truly awesome and frightening character (for those of you reading this named Kuja and Sephiroth - you failed at this), one of the best of Zelda's antagonists ever. Vaati done right.
Without going too in-depth ('tis what the Pit of Reckoning is for) the game makes the most of pretty much everything, pleasantly surprising you with thoughtful characterization and dynamic gameplay, which also shows why these things alone just aren't enough to make the best Zelda game. But it is FABULOUS, and perhaps the single greatest game available for the Wii (Twilight Princess, though admittedly better, is not a Wii game no matter how you spin it), and that ain't no foolin'. My only thought now is, it's time for another dark and "different" Zelda console game. You know the aesthetic of which I speak. That is all. Also, GROOOOOOOOOSENATORRRRRRRRRR!
The power is back! After almost a decade of being mishandled by what I assume to be development teams seemingly consisting of headless chickens and infinite monkeys writing code on a typewriter, old-school top-down Zelda is back in hands worthy of its storied legacy. To tell the truth, for various reasons my Zelda fandom was at its lowest during its pre-release period. Despite being pleasantly surprised at what I read, I was in no way compelled to buy it, especially as a day one buy. But leading up to the hours of its 2013 midnight release, something happened. Don't know what. Some old nostalgic feeling got ahold of me or something... I promptly, almost out of some sort of long-forgotten primal instinct, went to the eShop at the stroke of midnight (in the UK at least... hey, just trying to maintain an atmosphere here!) and bought it. And from the second I saw that beautifully nostalgic intro screen, I felt... home.
Everything needed for a great old-school Zelda felt exactly like it should. And the new additions were welcome; the purple energy bar added a level of pseudo-tactics that punished uncivilized button-mashing, and the 2D wall-merging resulted in hundreds of pleasing puzzles. Lots of cool sidequests that felt rewarding, at least most of the time. For the most part, the story succeeded where top-down Zeldas have suffered since the Oracle games. That's not saying it was a classic by any means, but it was engaging and rather risky for a Zelda title. And of course, no N3DS game before or since has looked this crisp and detailed, and in 60fps no less! Truly a testament to Nintendo's ability to just sit down, work their butts off, and get the best out of the hardware they have. I'd chastise other developers who in comparison seem like whiny wusses blaming shortened development time, but it's not so much a skill that can be learned as it is pure dynamic talent; poetry in motion.
Nintendo gets a lot of flak for poor business decisions these days, and often rightly so, but the level of workmanship and just pure game joy inherent in a game like A Link Between Worlds will always irrefutably affirm that when it comes to simple and clean, pure digital gaming pleasure, Nintendo are completely untouchable... though if they were given touchable physical form in the form of, I don't know, Anju or Uma Thurman or something, touching would indeed commence. I'm waiting patiently for that technology to be invented by some genius... and summarily stolen and taken credit for by a time-traveling Thomas Edison, who of course stole the patent for said time machine from the most awesome person in Earth's 1138th parallel dimension; namely, that dimension's child sired by Bruce Campbell and Ayla the cave-woman (yes, she's real in this universe, deal with it!). But I digress. In short, A Link Between Worlds is a return to greatness, and while a Groose spinoff would still be preferable (but that can be said of every future Zelda game ever), it's worth your every last dime, or bandwidth if you're one of those lousy pirates who certainly didn't deserve to win that battle for the internet.
It's the world famous, from the source of the fad itself, the original AuronKaizer Superlatables, now featured on the Zeldapedia! You know how these work right? If not, your loss. For various reasons, I will not include Zelda II: The Adventure of Link in any of the general categories as it is too radically different from all the others (and radically insanely piss-poor in certain areas when compared to most other installments, unfairly so). Oh and henceforth, the Four Swords games are disqualified as well for breaking with too many series traditions... making the list boring and repetitive by taking up so many last-place spots definitely has no bearing on this, so don't ask! ...I'll leave that to Phantom Hourglass instead, hiiiiiiyoooo!
Sign in this section and you will receive a block. This is not a joke. By signing this, you, the Party of the First Part (hereafter referred to as a Dufus™) consent to being blocked for whatever period of time I see fit. Now see here kids, this is the deal; either, you'll ignore signing this simply out of fear of the unknown, like all human beings. OR!!!! ...an inexplicable urge to do just that — a sickening, paranoiac feeling tainting your very soul — will haunt you night and day until you finally sign it and get blocked. There is no escape. The best you can do is hope for a quick end. Additionally, your name and picture will be placed in the Dufus™ Gallery, in which your name will be hilariously parodied with a horrible play on your name that will only serve to make me look even more childish and immature. You Dufuses™. (Oh, and people who sign without talk templates are permanently blocked. I do not joke around.) You may not suggest a name for yourself or others. You may not "nag", or spam the Party of the Second Part (me) about when your Dufusism is at hand. You may not complain about your name or your Dufusdom will be revoked. No joke.
I really wanna sign your page, since your like, uh, trying to find the word for this, like famous here. If I'm a Dofus, don't really care, I've been called worse
lunarChild– "Then Lord Vivec chanced by, and settled their dispute. 'No, you BOTH are the ugliest creatures alive, and I will not have my pleasant sojourn spoiled by your unseemly squabbling.' So he dealt them both mighty blows, shattering their skulls, and silencing their argument, and went merrily upon his way." - Homilies of Blessed Almalexia, TES III: Morrowind TALK
Probably the most courage-requiring favor-returning ever! Nah, I'll just be honored. Sort of.
While I don't normally sign pages, I want to see how you'll parody my name.
zoma89– "A sword holds no power unless the hand that wields it has courage."--Hero's Shade TALK
talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity,.... denile is the second. (wait a minute ive already past both stages... I guess I am crazy, but then again we all are,... we just don't know it yet.) waiting for admitence to the Dufus Gallery
Wow. You'd think that I would have already signed. :P Anyways, I WANT to sign, and it's worth the risk. But I'm really scared on how long I'm gonna be blocked., considering that I contrubute not that much to Zeldapedia, and my childish behavior. So, during the time that I am blocked, I shall hide under a table. ._.
I wanna sign! But I don't want a block. Hrm, greater of two evils here... SIGN!
BogusBongos2– Past, present, future... the Master Sword is a ship with which you can sail upstream and downstream through time's river.. the port for that ship is the Temple of Time. TALK– DON'T CLICK TALK!!!
I've been trying to convince myself not to sign but I must for the sake of my inner Dufus
hypermode– power bomb times power bomb = wait... wasn't a planet there? TALK
your evil mind trick worked but when im back i will power bomb you!!!
Cool page dude. I'm sure you've been told before but I couldn't think of anything else to say.
Zelda311– Whenever there is a meeting, a parting shall follow. But that parting needs not last forever. Whether a parting be forever or merely for a short while... that is up to you. TALK
I was reading your page and "what games and what order you got them in" and then came to this section. I saw that I didn't sign and I was like lolwut. Well now I can await my gannonban anxiously.
[[User:Sander123 (talk) 15:13, May 19, 2011 (UTC)|Sander123 (talk) 15:13, May 19, 2011 (UTC)]]– AK main page is so awsome my pc crashes sometimes [[User talk:Sander123 (talk) 15:13, May 19, 2011 (UTC)|TALK]] – above^
Well, this is my first day on here.... Why not? I thought... Wow that'll look good on my record... Probably affect my job interview.... "Hmm... It says here: "Banned from Zeldapedia on first day." What do you think about that huh Nimrod? I really don't think I'm ready to take you into this company... Go home and hide under the table." Yeah, I'm doing this anyway... Kill me bro... I'm ready to die.... "I shall hide under the table ._." (Just don't make it infinite.)"Goodbye cruel world" Right.... Give it to me. In the face. *Eyes close* AAAUUUUUGGHGHHHGGHGHG!!!! IT BUUURRRNS!!!!