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Neil

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Non-canon warning: This article or section contains non-canonical information that is not considered to be an official part of the Legend of Zelda series and should not be considered part of the overall storyline.

Neil is the protagonist of The Legend of Neil, a satirical online webseries based on The Legend of Zelda. Neil is a human gas station worker who is sucked into the world of Hyrule after playing The Legend of Zelda while drunk. Neil is portrayed by Tony Janning, who also co-writes for the show.

Biography

Season 1

Neil is a gas station worker from Trenton, New Jersey whose girlfriend leaves him for his brother, Darrel, who just so happens to also be Neil's manager. Using his manager abilities, Darrel goes on to fire Neil after he sees him harassing a customer. Frustrated and despondent, Neil drinks heavily one night while playing The Legend of Zelda, and after asphyxiating himself with a NES game controller, awakens in the game world of Hyrule. Confused, Neil narrowly escapes death in the forests of Hyrule, and meets Old Man, a bearded, wizened old man who recognizes Neil as Link, the hero destined to save Princess Zelda and the entire land of Hyrule. Old Man presents Neil with the Wooden Sword and gives him instruction, all the while acting condescendingly towards Neil.

Neil proves his skill by defeating Octoroks with the power of Sword Beams, and learns about the healing properties of the Magical Delicious Heart Cookies dropped by enemies from Old Man and Neil discovers he has a heart meter on his left arm. Next, Neil happens upon a nymphomaniac Fairy who is obsessed with sleeping with him. Neil eventually finds his way into Level 1, where he meets Old Man's brother Oold Man, who gives Neil clues as to what to do next. Deep inside Level 1, Neil encounters Aquamentus. After the battle goes nowhere, the two settle their differences and share embarrassing secrets. Eventually, Aquamentus is so overwrought with depression that he allows Neil to slay him. Neil gathers the first piece of the Triforce and continues his quest.

Season 2

After entering Level 2 and finding it to be too dark, Old Man contacts Neil telepathically and tells him to purchase the Blue Candle. Neil finds a shop and tries to buy the Blue Candle, but does not have enough Rupees to do so. The Merchant allows Neil to enter his backroom and join in on his illegal gambling ring to win money. Neil plays Money Making Game, but realizes it is a scam after he loses massive amounts of Rupees. Just as the Merchant and his bodyguards begin to use force, the Elf Cops bust in and explain they have been keeping watch over this gambling ring for quite some time. They are flattered to meet "Link", and they let him leave so he can continue his quest. Before leaving, Neil pretends all the Merchant's merchandise is his, and he takes everything on the counter. After entering Level 2 and defeating Dodongo, Neil travels to Level 3. Here, he successfully slays Manhandla and earns the third piece of the Triforce.

On his way to Level 4, Link stumbles across Mirth's Pub. Refusing to listen to Old Man's advice, Neil enters and finds it is an enemy pub owned by Schlam Maroney, a Moblin. Neil disguises himself as a Moblin just in time, and joins in on the drinking. He befriends Schlam and his two drinking buddies, Quiff Graven and Glorm, by telling them his name is Neilock-Neilock. After holding Neil up to do a keg stand, however, his helmet falls off and the Moblins realize he is "Link". Neil flees and the Moblins give chase. At the last second, Neil is saved by the Secret Moblin, Pippy, who tricks Schlam and his friends into going in the wrong direction. Pippy takes Neil back to his home and teaches him how to use his inventory. He also tells Neil about the whistle in Level 5 that can transport him anywhere. Believing it can transport him home, Neil skips Level 4, and heads for Level 5. During his trip, Neil meets up with Schlam, Quiff and Glorm, who attack him. Neil is saved by the Fairy, however, and heads into the Waterfall near Level 5. Here, he is given the White Sword by Old Man, and is angered by the fact that it is the same sword, only painted white. At this time, Neil also gets a white tunic. Neil enters Level 5, but shortly after is defeated by a group of Darknuts. He is taken to Level 9 where he is brought face to face with Gannon. The evil lord kills Neil right in front of Princess Zelda's eyes, and Neil awakens in his apartment. He first looks at his arm and sees his heart meter empty, then he glances at the television screen and notices he can choose to continue or quit. The screen fades out, and season 2 comes to an end.

Season 3

Neil returns to New Jersey and gets his life back in order by becoming an assistant manager at the Gas Station and getting unevicted. After going to dinner with his family and girlfriend, Neil decides that he does not like his current life and returns to Hyrule by selecting continue on the game while repeating the variables that brought him there in the first place. In Hyrule Link finds Old Man fishing and tries to ask for help but Old Man informs Neil that he is now retired. Link obtains his clothes and items from the Fairy before setting off on his quest once again.

Neil quickly reaches Level 4 and defeats the boss Gleeok. He then returns to Level 5 where he defeats the Darknuts there by attacking their unprotected backsides. After clearing Level 5 he sits down near a statue which transforms into an Armos and attacks him. Neil is then used as a football in a game of American Football, but he is kicked into the next screen, where the Armos are unable to go. Neil searches for Fairy, and finds her giving birth, where he is told by the Fairy Doctor to keep Fairy asleep for 24 hours, because she would eat the Fairy Babies if she was awake. The next day, Neil leaves the Babies in Fairy's care, and continues on his quest. He plays his newly acquired whistle, and is warped into a battle between a Lynel and squad of Hyrulean Soldiers. The soldiers recognize Neil as Link, and introduce their commander, Tyrelda, as Princess Zelda's brother and captain of the 54th Brigade of Hyrule. The brigade is also made up of Constance, the first officer, and Todd the right sergeant. As the soldiers argue, Neil decides to fight the Lynels alone and is defeated. Neil and the three soldiers are brought to the camp. Neil discovers that Lynels are famed for mercilessly torturing or Lyneling prisoners before killing them. Constance is brutally Lyneled before Neil is released from his cage. Before Lyneling Neil, the Lynels make him fight a Like Like which defeats Neil and eats his shield. The Lynels shoot Sword Beams at Neil's feet, forcing him to dance. The Lynels are impressed by Neil's dancing and the leader challenges him to a dance off. During the dance off, Tyrelda and Todd manage to free themselves and grab their weapons. Tyrelda gives Neil a bracelet before fighting the Lynels giving Neil time to escape. After Link leaves, Tyrelda and Todd are killed by the Lynels.

Neil returns to the Fairy looking for healing but she leaves him because he did not pick up the children from the day care and now two have been captured. Neil is then left alone with no shield, no Fairy, and no Old Man. The next day Neil finds his way to Old Man's house and asks for help defeating Gannon's minions. Old Man reluctantly agrees and Neil begins a three day training montage. During the training Link kills the enemies that defeated him before and obtains his shield again. After the training is complete Old Man decides that Neil is ready to find out if he is ready to obtain the Magical Sword from the Graveyard of Living Nightmares.

When Neil arrives at the Graveyard an evil doppelganger of Neil attacks him. The doppelganger takes the form of Neil's friends and family from the real world who insult Neil while attacking him. Neil declares that his name is Link and defeats the doppelganger losing his sword in the process. He then enters a grave and finds Oold Man who rewards Link with the Magical Sword. Using the Magical Sword Link obtains the Triforce Pieces from Level 6 and Level 7. He then fights Gannon's right hand man Wizzrobe in Level 8. Neil decides to spare Wizzrobe's life when he discovers that Level 8 doubles as a school that trains children to be Wizzrobes and that if Neil kills Wizzrobe it would cause all the children in the school to die. Wizzrobe gives Neil the Magical Key and Neil obtains the last Triforce Piece.

Neil battles his way through Level 9 easily defeating the minions there and saving the two fairy children who had been captured in the process. He eventually faces off against Gannon who manages to easily defeat Neil using powerful magic. Old Man and the Fairy appear and rescue Neil. Gannon kills Old Man and Neil challenges Gannon to a fight without weapons or magic by insulting his pride. Gannon agrees and Neil gains the upper hand in the fight until Gannon goes back on his word and uses magic on Neil. The Fairy tries to heal Neil but Wizzrobe appears and stops her. Gannon insults Wizzrobe several times while Neil convince Wizzrobe that he can stand up to Gannon. Wizzrobe throws Neil the item needed to defeat Gannon, a Silver Arrow, just as Gannon uses magic on Wizzrobe. Neil then defeats Gannon using the Silver Arrow and obtains the Triforce of Power. Neil checks on Wizzrobe who managed to survive the magic attack but unfortunately the Fairy who was in Wizzrobe's hand at the time was killed by it. Neil then frees Zelda from her cell and marries her becoming the King of Hyrule.

After some months as king, Neil is unexpectedly sucked into his toilet, awaking in a Super Mario Bros.-esque land where his brother Darrel is waiting for him.

Non-canon warning: Non-canonical information ends here.

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